unfinished monologue

Patience
by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2007

i don’t like to wait.
wait in line, wait outside, wait right there, wait for the tone, waiting to order, waiting tables–oh god don’t get me started about waiting tables. waiting for you to order, waiting for her to order, waiting for the kids to make up their minds–my god, will you make up your god damn minds!? you know what you want–i know what you want —you know its gonna be the happy meal for them and the special for you. the special, because i made it sound so good, and cheap–i even made it sound cheap–and if not the special, the usual, because there just aren’t that many things on the menu–but go ahead and think about it. you need a minute?–you don’t need a minute, but go on, take a minute. i’ll give you a minute, take my minute–i don’t have a minute to spare, but go on, take mine, take my minute, make me wait–i’m your waiter, that’s what i do, i wait. i wait tables.
i wait in line, i wait for the light. wait for it, wait for it… waiting in the checkout line, waiting at the gym. i weight lift. i wait at the gym for the weights to weight lift. does that even make sense? there’s not enough lead in the world? i have to stand around waiting for you to do one more, no one more, come on, one more… okay, two more… i just need the little one on the end. you can’t give me five pounds and do one more rep to make up the difference? come on!

My mother always told me, "Patience, Patience." She was funny, that one. "Patience, Patience." That’s my name. Pati. With an I. One T! You know how long it takes for you to spell Patience? You’re wasting my time and yours. Pati’s quicker. Quicker to spell, quicker to say. Lot quicker to say, "Shut it, Pati," than "Patience, Patience." Why didn’t they name me Pleistocene? Quicker just to smack her. "Shut it, Pati…. Bam!"
That’s why I don’t have kids. I don’t like to wait.

© 1990 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR