(Ubu's House: Ubu is asleep in the middle of the room, loudly snoring.)
(A knock at the door.)
Mrs U (off:)
UBU!
(Mrs U enters. She looks at Ubu, with disgust. She kicks him, but he continues to snore. )
(A knock at the door.)
Mrs U
Never mind, I'll get it.
(She opens the door. Enter the The Captain and three of his Dragoons.)
Captain & Dragoons
Long live the King!
Mrs U
Captain, gentlemen, come in.
Captain
We came as soon as we could. Captain Ubu's message said it was
urgent.
Mrs U
Yes, extremely urgent. In fact, it's a matter of national
security!
Captain
Then, why is he asleep?
Mrs U
Because he's a lazy slug, that's why. Please, don't wake him,
he'll just say something stupid and ruin everything.
Captain
I admire a man who can stay calm in a crisis. That's the kind of
person who should be ruling this country. Hurrah for Ubu!
Dragoons
Hurrah for Ubu!
Mrs U
Do you really mean that, gentlemen? Perhaps your loyalty to the
King is not what it should be?
Captain
Oh, no, ma'am, you mistake me! We are Royal dragoons, and we
would never betray His Majesty.
Dragoons
Never! Never!
Mrs U
Oh. Never mind then.
Captain
Why? Is Ubu planning something shady?
Mrs U
Oh no! Did I say any such thing? Ubu is the Captain of
Dragoons! There is no truer patriot in all of Poland! You
should be ashamed of yourselves!
(They are.)But if he were planning something shady...?
Captain
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Mrs U
Are you thinking what I think you think I'm saying?
(Ubu wakes up, sputtering.)
Captain (snapping to attention:)
Polish Dragoons reporting for duty, Captain Ubu! Ready to die
for King and Country, especially the King, who we love with all
our hearts.
(aside to Ubu:)But if you plan to knock him off, I'm behind you one hundred percent, he's my mortal enemy, and I can vouch for my men.
(Ubu stands up. The Captain and Dragoons salute. Ubu doesn't return their salute, so they keep their arms up.)
Mrs U (to Ubu:)
Say, something you blockhead.
Ubu
THPPTPTPHT!
(Ubu walks away. They follow him in formation, still saluting.)
Captain
If you promise to promote me to General, I'll do everything in my
power to help you, even if it means killing the King myself.
Mrs U (nudging Ubu:)
Tell the Captain you promise to make him a General.
Ubu
THPPT!
Mrs U (to the Dragoons:)
He promises. And he'll give you each a million dollars.
Ubu
What!!
Mrs U
Ssh!
Dragoons
Long live Ubu!
Mrs U
Now you must all swear to keep our plans a secret.
(They all raise their right hands. Ubu raises his left hand.)
Captain, Dragoons & Ubu
We swear!
Ubu (aside:)
This is easier than I thought.
(enter a Messenger)
Messenger
I have a message for Captain Ubu of the Polish Dragoons.
Mrs U
What could it be?
Messenger
King Wenceslas summons you to appear before him. Now!
Dragoon
Oh no! They're onto us!
Dragoon
Our plot has been discovered!
Captain (drawing his sword:)
They won't take us without a fight!
Ubu (aside:)
If I turn the others in, maybe I'll get a reward.
(Ubu runs out.)
Mrs U (pursuing him:)
Wait, Ubu, wait! Remember your promise!
(Captain and Dragoons follow after, still saluting.)