(The deck of the Boatswain's Booty. Sounds of a mutiny in progress--cannonfire and sabers clashing. A MUTINOUS MATE bounds onto the deck with a cutlass in either hand.)
PIRATE PETE
Batten up the hatches, boys, and batten down the bilge! Unmuzzle the mizzen muskets and make for the starboard port! Mind the cut o' that jib, ye swabs, and hardtack to the galley, ho! If it's mutiny the captain wants, it's mutiny the captain just got, for the ship is ours now, lads! And more 'n a quorum o' the crew. So bring me Captain Jack and any man loyal. For there's planks to be walked and keels that need hauling. And the first butt we scuttle be that of our dear old Captain Jack.
(Enter CAPTAIN CECILY JACK, a piratess.)
CAP'N JACK
Who're you callin' old?
PIRATE PETE
Ah, there y' are, Cap'n Jack.
CAP'N JACK
Aye, here I be, Cap'n Jack.
PIRATE PETE
Cap'n Cecily Jack.
CAP'N JACK
Aye, Captain Cecily Jack. The master o' this vessel. And mistress o' half the crew. And the other half'll get their chance. But there's a schedule, lads, and we gotta stick to it.
PIRATE PETE
You'll be stickin' to the steerage now that I'm the new master of the Boatswain's Booty and you're just the old.
CAP'N JACK
There ye go callin' me old again. I've filleted souls for less.
PIRATE PETE
I mean old as in former, for me and me hearties have seized your Booty, and yours is bound for the brig.
CAP'N JACK
And who be ye?
PIRATE PETE
Who be I? Who be I??
CAP'N JACK
Aye, that's what I said. You're not Deaf Adam, are you? (shouts) I said I was sorry for firin' off that cannon in your earshot. But you shouldn'ta been asleep at the barrel!
PIRATE PETE
(shouts) I'm not Deaf Adam!
(offstage pirate: What?)
CAP'N JACK & PIRATE PETE
Never mind, Adam!
CAP'N JACK
Well, who are you then?
PIRATE PETE
Y' mean you don't recognize me?
CAP'N JACK
That's what I said, isn't it? (shouts) Are ye sure you're not Deaf Adam?
PIRATE PETE
(shouts) No!
(offstage pirate: What?)
PIRATE PETE & CAP'N JACK
Nothing!
PIRATE PETE
I can't believe me ears ye don't know me. I, the crewmen ye've wronged more than any other.
CAP'N JACK
Aren't you full o' yourself? I'm sure there's many a man jack'd give ye a run for your misery on that score. What about One-Handed Wally who earned his first hook for getting grabby at the gunwales. And it turned out the man was just a kleptomaniac and couldn't help himself?
PIRATE PETE
Aye, that was an unfortunate misunderstanding.
CAP'N JACK
Or Turniphead Turley, who's in a persistent vegetative state after he took a musketball to the frontals on that botched boarding off o' Borneo. And now he's down in the cargo hold and we use him for ballast. Now there's a cur with a cause for complaint. But I've ne'er heard a word out of him.
PIRATE PETE
That's cuz his speech centers is barnacled over and all he does is drool. But trust me, he drools angry.
CAP'N JACK
Well, who are you, then? And how have I wronged you?
PIRATE PETE
I'm Picaroon Pete. And ye've wronged me in ways no man-captain ever could. For 'tis me heart, ye've hewn in twain.
CAP'N JACK
I recognize ye now. Aren't you the mate I demoted for makin' friendly with the figurehead on the bowsprit?
PIRATE PETE
She came on to me!
CAP'N JACK
Sure, she did.
PIRATE PETE
Can I help it that mermaid has a wanderin' eye?
CAP'N JACK
Her eyes are made o' wood.
PIRATE PETE
So's half the men on this boat. But it never stopped you making the fish with four fins with 'em.
CAP'N JACK
Shut your blimey blowhole, ye scurrilous scallywag! What a captain does with her crew is her own business.
PIRATE PETE
Aye, and you're the business o' half the crew, rumor has it.
CAP'N JACK
Can I help it I get good word o' mouth?
PIRATE PETE
That's not all yer mouth's good for.
CAP'N JACK
Arr, now ye asked for it!
(She grabs one of his weapons and attacks. They fight.)
CAP'N JACK
Y' call yourself a mutineer? Why you wouldn't know the first thing about seafarin'. If you did, we wouldn't be bearing straight for those rocks.
PIRATE PETE
What? (glances to the fore) Agh! (shouts to the crew) Belay those orders, lads! Land ho! Land ho! (glances aft) And ho! And some over ho!
(While he is distracted, she disarms and defeats him.)
CAP'N JACK
All right. Now back to yer stations, all o' ye. Mutiny's over. We got piratin' to do. Move along. Nothing to see here. Unless you want to see a flogging. In which case, stick around, that's up next. (to Pete) Now what am I to do with you?
PIRATE PETE
Do as ye please. Floggin' won't stop me.
CAP'N JACK
Aye, but floggin's a good start. What'll it be then? Keel haul? Plank walk? Barrel duty?
PIRATE PETE
Ye may beat me to blisters. But I am just one disgruntled swabbie on a shipful of swabs ain't got two gruntles to rub together. And if ye don't give in to our demands, you'll have another mutiny next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the next week is Rosh Hashanah, so no mutiny, but the week after that.
CAP'N JACK
So you're tenacious?
PIRATE PETE
I don't know the meaning of the word! But if it means I've got eight arms and I know how to use 'em, then that's me.
CAP'N JACK
That's not what it means.
PIRATE PETE
Never mind then.
CAP'N JACK
Forgive me for sayin', but mutineering doesn't suit ye. Are ye sure ye're up to it? Ye strike me as more a cook. And we're short-handed in the galley.
PIRATE PETE
That's because I quit the galley to become a mutineer!
CAP'N JACK
So you're the missing cook?! (shouts off) I found him!
PIRATE PETE
I can't believe you don't remember me.
CAP'N JACK
Well, to be fair, the food is pretty forgettable.
PIRATE PETE
And those kinda cracks is why you're short-handed!
CAP'N JACK
And what is it ye think a mutiny'll get ye?
PIRATE PETE
Well, I'd be captain of the boat, for one thing. And I hear the ladies love a lad in uniform.
CAP'N JACK
She's a ship! She likes to be called a ship. And there's half your problem. Ye wouldn't know how to treat a lady if ye caught one.
PIRATE PETE
Maybe you'll find out first hand how I treat a lady after me and me mutineers have retaken the ship and made you our first mate. And our second. And maybe the third.
CAP'N JACK
Ha! I'd like to see you try.
PIRATE PETE
Give me back my sword and I'll be happy to show you.
CAP'N JACK
Bah! Here. (gives him back his blade) I've had enough o' your bluster. You mutineers are all wind and no billows. Come on then, have at me!
(He fumbles for his sword.)
PIRATE PETE
Well, hold on...
(She attacks and intentionally loses, backing herself across the deck.)
CAP'N JACK
Where's your cantankery now? Will you not give me what for? Have ye not half a mind to show me a thing or two?
PIRATE PETE
Slow down!
(She forcibly defeats herself and puts his blade to her throat.)
CAP'N JACK
There! Ye have defeated me. Now what?
PIRATE PETE
I don't know. I never got this far before.
CAP'N JACK
Don't ye want to show me my place?
PIRATE PETE
Right. Your place is in the galley, wench.
CAP'N JACK
(coyly) And where is that exactly? I've never been.
PIRATE PETE
Right this way. (He starts to lead her to the galley, but catches himself.) Oh no! You're not getting me down in that galley now that I'm out. It's that way. Find it yourself. And I'll be wantin' something besides fish burgers tonight. We're celebrating.
CAP'N JACK
Aren't you forgetting something?
PIRATE PETE
Let's see... Took the ship. Wench in the galley. Nope.
CAP'N JACK
Ye mean, ye don't mean to plunder me pleasures?
PIRATE PETE
Oh, that's right. (fumbles with his trousers) Prepare to be boarded!
CAP'N JACK
Now, hold your drawstring. 'Tis not the cavalry. Ye don't just mount up and ride.
PIRATE PETE
Why? How's it done in the fleet?
CAP'N JACK
'Bout the same, but women and children first. (pouncing) Prepare to be boarded!!
(She kisses him voraciously.)
PIRATE PETE
Wait, slow down.
CAP'N JACK
No time for goin' slow, cuz once you're done with me, ye'll have ladies in every port, lined up at the docks, waitin' for your ship to come in. No pun intended.
PIRATE PETE
None taken.
CAP'N JACK
Floating out to meet you in dinghies and dories and frilly flotillas, longing for your salty touch.
PIRATE PETE
Then I'll stay out to sea. There's no need o' goin' ashore.
CAP'N JACK
Aye, but then ye'll be out to sea with a shipful of men and boys who are also out to sea. And you know what that means?
PIRATE PETE
I worked in the galley, didn't I? Friday night shift. I know what happens when a randy rumful crew gets randy and rumful on Rosh Hashanah. But what's that got to do with me? I'm captain now.
CAP'N JACK
Aye, but a captain's first duty is morale.
PIRATE PETE
I thought it was steerin'.
CAP'N JACK
Navigation only gets you so far. Captaincy is a public relations job more than anything. Ye spend most of your time strokin' egos and quellin' mutineers. And ye can't toss 'em all overboard, or who'd make the fish burgers? So it's mostly strokin'. And that pun was on purpose.
PIRATE PETE
You don't mean to say that I, as captain, would be forced to pleasure me own crew?
CAP'N JACK
No, lad, ye won't be forced to do it. You'll do it because you want to. A good captain loves his crew like his own bad children. And that means spankings all 'round, then off to bed with the lot of 'em.
PIRATE PETE
I think I want that galley job back.
(He tries to escape, but she corners him and manhandles him.)
CAP'N JACK
Too late for that now. Sails are in motion. Tides have turned. There's blood in the water. And the she-sharks are circling.
(He suddenly bursts into tears.)
CAP'N JACK
What're you doing? There's no cryin' in piracy! What's wrong with you?
PIRATE PETE
I still can't believe ye don't remember me.
CAP'N JACK
I told ye, the food is lousy!
PIRATE PETE
Captain Jack, do you really not know when a man's fallen in love with you?
CAP'N JACK
Sure, I do. It's right around puberty.
PIRATE PETE
No, not that kind of love.
CAP'N JACK
There's two kinds?
PIRATE PETE
For three long years now, I've followed ye from port to port, in hail and high wind, kraken and hurricane, in hopes of lying in your lovin' arms.
CAP'N JACK
Oh, for the love o' Saint Neptune. We're on the same boat. I'm not that hard to follow.
PIRATE PETE
She likes to be called a ship.
CAP'N JACK
Well, did ye put your name on the schedule? There's a signup in the poop cabin. It's not that complicated.
PIRATE PETE
Aye, but my turn only comes 'round once a fortnight. And I was hopin' to strike up something more regular.
CAP'N JACK
So ye staged a mutiny to get me attention?! Men...
PIRATE PETE
Can I help it I burn with a yearnin' that's turnin' my belly to jellyfish?
CAP'N JACK
Now that could be a touch o' the scurvy that's been goin' around.
PIRATE PETE
Is it scurvy why I've got a footlocker full o' suggestive sonnets and bawdy scrimshaw?
CAP'N JACK
You do?
PIRATE PETE
Have a look. (hands her a piece of scrimshaw)
CAP'N JACK
What's this?
PIRATE PETE
That's me privates.
CAP'N JACK
Ew! (throws it down)
PIRATE PETE
Do not cast me whalebone aside like a filthy piece of--
CAP'N JACK
Well, it is filthy, ye black hearted artist! Y' oughta be ashamed.
PIRATE PETE
Is it my fault I long for you as no man has ever longed for anything before? Except maybe catchin' a whale.
CAP'N JACK
Aye, that sounds like true love. The kind I've only seen in romantic novels. Or carved into the walls of certain washrooms.
PIRATE PETE
And can you feel nothing for me in return?
CAP'N JACK
Consider it done.
PIRATE PETE
No, I mean, can you not feel more than nothing for me?
CAP'N JACK
I dunno, lad, that's a lotta grammar. So you don't want me to not feel something more than nothing for you?
PIRATE PETE
Yes, I don't!
(He takes her in his arms and kisses her. She swoons.)
CAP'N JACK
Let me see that scrimshaw again.
PIRATE PETE
I'm gonna take that as an "aye".
(He tries to kiss her again, but she stops him.)
CAP'N JACK
Oh, Adam--
PIRATE PETE
Pete.
CAP'N JACK
How I long to feel the passion that you have for me. And for erotic scrimshaw. But, as captain, my first love will always be my ship. And by extension, my crew. And how can I stop loving my ship? And by extension, my crew?
PIRATE PETE
Well, you could start by taking down that signup sheet.
CAP'N JACK
I'm sorry, Adam--
PIRATE PETE
Pete!
CAP'N JACK
But yearn as I may to swing from your lowest yardarm. My duty is to the Booty. And yours is to the grill down below.
PIRATE PETE
You mean--?
CAP'N JACK
No, that's not a pun.
PIRATE PETE
Arr.
(She places her hand on his heart.)
CAP'N JACK
I know this must hurt ye where a man least likes to be hurt...
PIRATE PETE
Second least.
CAP'N JACK
But do ye think ye can ever find it in what's left of your heart to understand?
PIRATE PETE
(thinks about it) No!
(He draws his sword and attacks. They fight, more passionately this time.)
PIRATE PETE
How can I go back to sweatin' o'er a hot galley stove after feeling the heat of your sweet lips?
(He disarms her, seizes her about the waist and kisses her.)
PIRATE PETE
How can I return to a life of pounding out fish patties after my palms have pressed the supple flesh of your womanly bosoms?
CAP'N JACK
Bosoms are up here.
PIRATE PETE
In short, Milady Captain, how in God's green ocean could I ever stop loving you?
(She pulls him close again.)
CAP'N JACK
Well, I am no doctor...
(She slips her sword between his legs and deftly gelds him.)
CAP'N JACK
But that usually does the trick.
PIRATE PETE
Oh...my.
(She offers him a bandana.)
CAP'N JACK
Ye're gonna need a tourniquet for that.
(He nods and takes it.)
CAP'N JACK
Are ye still feelin' that same fire in your belly?
(He shakes his head.)
CAP'N JACK
All right, then. Galley's that way. Somethin' besides fish burgers tonight, will ye, Pete?
(He nods and crawls off to the galley.)
CAP'N JACK
(to the rest of the crew) Anyone else feelin' mutinous? I didn't think so. All right, look lively, you lot. We're late for pillaging. Batten down those hatches, me hearties, and come about hard, all hands. And stow your giggling, you know what I meant. I said stow your gigglin'! Don't make me come over there, Adam!
~ FIN ~