This is the first draft copy of a new fight scene for Your Swash Is Unbuckled II (coming in 2010). The finished version will be streamlined to ten minutes. This edition is provided for students interested in the original source material.


GLADIATRIX GOSSIP

a 10-minute sparring session for two women, both of them gladiators

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2009
YOUR SWASH IS UNBUCKLED BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED OR RE-TRANSMITTED WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR.
(A Roman gymnasium. ALEXANDRA, a gladiatrix, suits up for a workout. Enter THORA, another gladiatrix, with gym bag and weapons.)

ALEXANDRA
You’re early.

THORA
I wanna make this quick. I’ve got a hair appointment.

ALEXANDRA
So you’re cutting practice short? Thora!

THORA
I’m sorry, it’s the only time they had available.

(Thora ties her hair back and gets ready for a workout.)

ALEXANDRA
I don’t know why you bother. You’re just gonna get it ripped out in the arena.

THORA
Only if I go up against you, Alexandra. Most of the girls have the decency not to mess with the tresses.

ALEXANDRA
Hey, I’m in it to win it. It’s a man’s game, and you gotta play it like you got a pair.

THORA
Pair of what?

ALEXANDRA
I dunno. That’s what the eunuchs always say.

THORA
What’s a eunuch know about gladiating?

ALEXANDRA
Actually, I’m surprised there aren’t more of them in the business. I mean, whatta they got to lose? Oh, wait. I just figured it out.

THORA
I’m just saying it’s common courtesy not to go straight for the coif.

ALEXANDRA
Just doing my job. You got a problem with that?

THORA
Not at all. Why do you think I’m on your team?

ALEXANDRA
You like to win?

THORA
And I like to look good doing it. First day in the arena, I told ’em pair me with the yanker, I wanna get outta here with a full head o’ hair.

ALEXANDRA
The yanker?

THORA
That’s what Promethea calls you. You never heard that?

ALEXANDRA
Which one’s Promethea?

THORA
You know. Tall, dark and Spartan.

ALEXANDRA
All right, next time I see her, she’s goin’ home without that weave.

THORA
You can’t tell her I said anything.

ALEXANDRA
My lips are sealed. I’m gonna let my yankers do the talking.

THORA
So what are we working on? Battleswords?

ALEXANDRA
Let’s do some war spears. I wanna get good at it.

THORA
War spears? Why waste your time? You’re not gonna need it at work.

ALEXANDRA
I wanna be ready for anything.

THORA
Well, anything is never gonna include two chicks dukin’ it out with war spears. Trust me.

ALEXANDRA
Why not?

THORA
Because they’re too phallic. Spears are for men.

ALEXANDRA
That is so sexist.

THORA
Exactly. Has the big guy ever called you up for a spear battle? Ever?

ALEXANDRA
Not yet.

THORA
Well, I wouldn’t hold my water. The whole sport is chauvinist. Men fight with war spears, war blades, war hammers. And what do we get? Battle axe. Ball and chain. Mudpit and topless.

ALEXANDRA
The men fight topless, too.

THORA
Yeah, but they don’t put it on the marquee.

ALEXANDRA
I never thought of it that way.

THORA
The guys get thrusting weapons and sea battles and we get lame sex puns and pillaging re-enactments. It’s total misogynist exploitation. One time they made me fight a Trojan on a stallion with a fifteen-foot polearm. Ribbed. Like I’m not supposed to know what that symbolizes. And I was armed with nothing but a leather one-piece and my good looks.

ALEXANDRA
I saw that one. You kicked his gluteus.

THORA
In that outfit, he didn’t stand a chance. Hardest part of that fight was deciding whether to seduce the Trojan first or the stallion.

ALEXANDRA
Never underestimate the power of a studded leather breastplate.

THORA
Are you ready? Let’s do this.

BOTH
Hail Caesar!

(They spar with spears. They chat while they fight.)

THORA
So you got plans for this weekend?

ALEXANDRA
Guy I know gave me tickets to the amphitheatre tonight. The new Clytemnestra. Supposed to be a real tear jerker. I think they jerk some intestines, too.

THORA
I love a good queen drama.

ALEXANDRA
Some of the girls are going. I got an extra ticket if you want to come along.

THORA
I can’t. I gotta get my hair done. And there’s an orgy I’m thinking about swinging by.

ALEXANDRA
Anybody I know gonna be there?

THORA
Well… You remember the stallion?

(Thora plunks Alexandra in the head. Alexandra stops the fight.)

ALEXANDRA
Whoa!

THORA
Sorry. And I guess your ex is going to be there.

ALEXANDRA
My ex?

THORA
Yeah, the guy you carved an X in his forehead when he dumped you.

ALEXANDRA
Oh, "X". I thought you meant my ex-boyfriend.

THORA
He’s not?

ALEXANDRA
That guy? No, that was completely platonic.

THORA
You mean he’s gay?

ALEXANDRA
No.

THORA
Plato’s gay, you know?

ALEXANDRA
Yeah, I know. I just mean… He might as well be gay. As far as I’m concerned. We’re like brother and sister. He’s not my type.

THORA
Okay, that’s like three different excuses. What aren’t you telling me?

ALEXANDRA
Nothing. It’s over. It was nothing. You want to do fisticuffs?

(Alexandra prepares for a fistfight.)

THORA
If he’s not your ex, then why did you carve one in his forehead when he dumped you?

ALEXANDRA
He didn’t dump me! I dumped him! Look, he’s an old partner, that’s all.

THORA
A partner? So he’s gay?

ALEXANDRA
No! We were paired for the doubles tournaments. It was strictly business.

THORA
So you never slept with him.

ALEXANDRA
Of course I did. Are you kidding? But it was entirely work-related.

THORA
How is that work-related?

ALEXANDRA
It’s team-building. Y’know, a bonding experience between warriors. Like Achilles and Patrocles.

THORA
So he’s gay?

ALEXANDRA
No! Would you let go of the gay thing?

THORA
I’m sorry. I just want to be clear which team he’s playing for.

ALEXANDRA
I think he’s Macedonian.

(Thora punches Alexandra.)

ALEXANDRA
What was that for?

THORA
Oh, I thought we were starting. Hail Caesar.

(Alexandra punches her back. They fight.)

ALEXANDRA
What do you care if my ex is gay, anyway? Ex-partner, I mean.

THORA
I just want to make sure there’s nothing going on between the two of you. In case I see him at the orgy.

ALEXANDRA
Please! It was nothing.

THORA
Must be something. You carved an X in his forehead.

ALEXANDRA
Look, toward the end, he was getting a little clingy. So I had to do something.

THORA
Why didn’t you write him up?

ALEXANDRA
I’m barely literate in my first language. You think I’m gonna learn Latin just to write a "Dear John" letter?

THORA
What’s Latin for "John", anyway?

ALEXANDRA
I thought a facial scar sent the right message. So that’s what I did. And he hasn’t bothered me since.

THORA
So it’s definitely over between you?

ALEXANDRA
It’s so over, it never started. It was totally nothing. Why do you keep asking about him? You don’t have a thing for him, do you?

THORA
What? No…

ALEXANDRA
Oh Mi-nerva! You do! You’ve got a little crush on the gay guy at work.

THORA
You said he’s not gay.

ALEXANDRA
Well, how do I know? Could be gay, could be not gay. None of my business. But I assume he’s into gay sex, because that’s the only kind we ever had.

THORA
You had gay sex with a male gladiator? How is that poss–Oh my Goddess!

ALEXANDRA
That’s right. So if you’re serious about this guy, you better be ready to take it like a man.

THORA
Wow. Okay, I’ll have to think about that.

ALEXANDRA
I mean, in my culture, it’s perfectly normal. That’s how you stay a virgin till marriage. But you’re orthodox Barbarian, so you probably prefer the more traditional positions.

THORA
Yes. Or stallions.

ALEXANDRA
Well, when in Rome…

(Alexandra yanks Thora’s hair.)

THORA
Ow, my hair.

ALEXANDRA
Sorry. Force of habit.

(Thora stops fighting and rubs her head.)

THORA
Okay, but if I do get together with him, it doesn’t bother you at all?

ALEXANDRA
Nooo. Why should it? Water under the aqueduct.

THORA
Water goes through an aqueduct.

ALEXANDRA
Whatever. I told you, we’re like brother and sister.

THORA
Jupiter and Juno are brother and sister, and they have, like, nine kids.

ALEXANDRA
True, but then Jupiter sleeps with anything that moves, which is exactly the opposite of the case with this guy.

THORA
What do you mean?

ALEXANDRA
Well, he’s very particular. He’s into very specific things that you probably don’t want to know about.

THORA
No, I do, I want to know.

ALEXANDRA
Well, and besides I don’t think he’s looking for a serious relationship right now.

THORA
He’s not?

ALEXANDRA
That’s what he told me when he dumped me–broke up with me–when I broke up with him!!

THORA
Okay. Well… Maybe it’s for the best, then.

ALEXANDRA
Of course, it is.

THORA
’Cause you and I still have to work together.

ALEXANDRA
Nothing should come between partners.

THORA
It’s just…

ALEXANDRA
What?

THORA
I dunno. I think he might really like me.

ALEXANDRA
Why do you say that?

THORA
Well, he’s been coming by to see my matches lately.

ALEXANDRA
Because I’m in your matches, that’s why. He’s still obsessed with me.

THORA
That’s what I thought, at first, too. But then he invited me to this orgy.

ALEXANDRA
Wait. He’s the one invited you to the orgy?

THORA
Yeah. That’s why I want to get my hair done. I mean… Just in case.

ALEXANDRA
Of course.

THORA
Not like anything’s gonna happen.

ALEXANDRA
Not a chance.

THORA
But I better go, if I’m gonna make my appointment.

ALEXANDRA
Don’t you want to do battleswords? It’s sure to come up in the next match. They got us down for an Amazon simulation.

THORA
Not again! I hate getting one of my breasts tanned. Y’know what, I can’t. I’m late, and I didn’t bring a sword.

ALEXANDRA
You can borrow one of mine. It won’t take a minute.

THORA
Are you sure?

ALEXANDRA
What’s mine is yours. Isn’t that the saying?

THORA
I dunno, is it?

ALEXANDRA
Sure, that’s it. And "Gone with the wind". And "All’s fair in love and sisterhood".

THORA
I never heard any of those.

ALEXANDRA
Well, have you heard this one? "Die, bitch!"

(Alexandra attacks. They fight.)

ALEXANDRA
So he asked you to the orgy, did he?

THORA
Yeah. I think it’s gonna be a good one.

ALEXANDRA
Well, if you’ve seen one Roman orgy, you’ve seen them all.

THORA
True, but the emperor’s supposed to be there.

ALEXANDRA
Hold on. He got you passes to the imperial debauch?!

THORA
Yeah. I guess he had tickets for the new Clytemnestra, but he gave them to a friend when this came up.

ALEXANDRA
So now I’m a "friend"?? He said that?!

THORA
I’m sure it’s nothing personal. I mean, who’s gonna turn down the emperor?

ALEXANDRA
I would! I would turn down the emperor if I was really as in love with someone as I kept saying I was every time she rejected me!!

THORA
Whoa, Alex, slow down.

ALEXANDRA
I’m not the one taking the fast horse to orgy street!

THORA
I thought you didn’t care. You said it didn’t bother you!

ALEXANDRA
Of course, I care! How long have we been partners, and you still can’t tell when I’m in deep, deep denial? What is wrong with you?!

THORA
Take it easy. This is supposed to be practice. I said I was thinking about going out with him.

ALEXANDRA
Well, if this is only practice, just think how angry I’d be if you did ask him out.

THORA
I didn’t ask him out. He asked me out.

ALEXANDRA
He would never do that!!

THORA
(surrendering) Okay, all right, I give up. You can keep him, he’s yours.

ALEXANDRA
(suddenly nonchalant) Oh. Okay. Whatever you think is best.

THORA
Yeah. It is. I mean, we’ve still gotta work together, right? …Partner?

ALEXANDRA
Sure thing. …Partner.

THORA
Right. Well, I’ll see you later.

ALEXANDRA
You sure you don’t want to go another round?

THORA
No, I’m good. I gotta get to the salon. (quickly) Not for any reason. Just to sit home. Alone. With nice hair.

ALEXANDRA
Okay, well, goodbye. Have fun not going to the orgy.

(Thora gathers up her things and slowly backs out of the chamber.)

ALEXANDRA
B’bye! See you later! Oh, wait! You forgot something!

(Alexandra runs off after Thora. Hair-raising scream. Alexandra storms back in with two fistfuls of hair.)

ALEXANDRA
Nobody cuts my practice short.

(Alexandra shoves the hair in her gym bag, packs up her things and exits.)

~ FIN ~