(The Amazon jungle. Enter a TROJAN DIPLOMAT, in search of the Amazon village.)
PHILEON
What’s this? Another castrated kinkajou. And over there, the carcass of a gelded peccary. I daresay I am in the vicinity of the Amazon village! Apollo willing, my diplomatic oddysey to this gods-forsaken continent will soon come to its peaceable fruition.
(Enter PHOEBE, an Amazon Sentry.)
PHOEBE
Who dares to trespass upon the sovereign soil of the Amazon Queen?
PHILEON
Greetings mighty Amazon warrior-ess…tress…person.
PHOEBE
You may call me Phoebe.
PHILEON
Phoebe? Like the Goddess of the Moon!
PHOEBE
Duh. And who are you?
PHILEON
I am Phileon of Ilium. An emissary of peace from the Kingdom of Troy.
PHOEBE
Ilium? But isn’t that… Man country?
PHILEON
Yes, we have both men and women, in our country, living together in peaceful coexistence.
PHOEBE
How is that possible? If you have men?
PHILEON
Ahem, yes, well, be that as it may–I bear tidings of peace, and exotic gifts from my King to yours. Queen, that is.
PHOEBE
There can never be peace betwixt Man and Amazon! It is Amazon law.
PHILEON
You have laws against peace?
PHOEBE
We have laws against men. To keep the peace. It’s a comprehensive ban. Very effective. It is forbidden for any Amazon to speak to a man, or be seen with one, or even to be one. (Outside of a safe, role-playing environment, of course.)
PHILEON
What is the punishment?
PHOEBE
Death.
PHILEON
For being a man?
PHOEBE
No, for speaking to a man. The penalty for being a man is… (has to think about it) …castration.
PHILEON
What!
PHOEBE
And then death.
PHILEON
(backing slowly away) That seems needlessly harsh.
PHOEBE
Well, it keeps the men away. That’s all that matters. We haven’t had an outbreak in years.
PHILEON
Perhaps, I should go then.
PHOEBE
Why? Have you spoken to a man?
PHILEON
No… but I am going to have words with a certain man, as soon as I get back to the castle, that’s for sure.
PHOEBE
(aghast) Oh my Goddess! You are a man!
PHILEON
Well, of course, what did you think?
PHOEBE
Listen, when a woman is as flat-chested as you, one doesn’t like to pry.
PHILEON
I am not flat-chested! (He puffs out his pecs. She smirks.) I mean, by Amazon standards, perhaps. But where I come from… (He looks at his chest, still disappointed.) I am a clerical worker and quite bosomy.
(She laughs.)
PHILEON
Why is that funny?
PHOEBE
You have both women and men in your kingdom, and they sent one of you to be the ambassador to the Amazons???
PHILEON
Yes, that seems short-sighted in hindsight. I shall bring it up to his Majesty at the very next council. Well, nice meeting you.
(He tries to leave.)
PHOEBE
Not so fast, man-truder! Aren’t you forgetting something?
PHILEON
What’s that?
PHOEBE
We’ve got to get you gelded. C’mon, up on the stump.
PHILEON
I’d rather not.
PHOEBE
Which do you prefer–axe or spear?
PHILEON
Axe?!?
PHOEBE
Excellent choice. Quicker. Less floppin’ around. Now, where did I put that hatchet? I had it when I caught that kinkajou.
PHILEON
Y’know, I can come back.
PHOEBE
This won’t take a minute.
PHILEON
I really–I have other appointments–
PHOEBE
(drawing a jagged, rusty sword) This’ll have to do.
PHILEON
I gotta go.
(He runs. She blocks his escape.)
PHOEBE
You are spry as a jaguar.
PHILEON
Thanks. Gelding does that.
PHOEBE
You’re welcome. Prepare to die!
(She attacks. He tries to fend her off.)
PHILEON
Can’t we talk about this?
PHOEBE
I told you, Amazon law forbids me to speak to a man.
PHILEON
Maybe I could write you a letter. I believe there’s ink and paper–back in Troy. (tries to run)
PHOEBE
For Nike’s sake! Defend yourself!
(She attacks. They fight. He is easily defeated.)
PHOEBE
You fight like a girl.
PHILEON
Coming from a mighty Amazon warrior, I take that as high compliment, indeed.
PHOEBE
No, seriously, like a girl–like a 12-year old girl. I’ve never seen anyone fight so badly. You should be embarrassed. You’re awful.
PHILEON
Well, it’s not my area of expertise.
PHOEBE
My teenage niece could best you, and she has no feet.
PHILEON
No feet??
PHOEBE
Piranhas got ‘em. Long story. But no wading in the river. That’s all I’m saying.
PHILEON
Sage advice.
PHOEBE
Killing you isn’t even going to be fun.
PHILEON
I’m glad to hear it. And the gelding?
PHOEBE
Oh, that’s always fun. Say, would you mind fighting my niece? She’s right inside the village. Persephone!!
PHILEON
You don’t understand. I am an emissary of peace. I did not come here as a fighter. Just the opposite.
PHOEBE
You came here as a lover?
PHILEON
No, as a diplomat!
PHOEBE
Ooh… So you’re a bad lover, too?
PHILEON
No, I–That’s none of your business!
PHOEBE
Is that why they send you away on long trips?
PHILEON
No! That’s not it!!
PHOEBE
Kinda testy for a diplomat.
PHILEON
You’re right, I apologize. First rule of diplomacy: Composure, composure, composure.
PHOEBE
(chuckles) My niece is gonna kick your ass. Persephone!
PHILEON
Please, you mustn’t kill me. I mean you no harm.
PHOEBE
Well, maybe we can work something out. You say you have gifts?
PHILEON
Yes, gifts for the Queen.
PHOEBE
Like what?
PHILEON
Golden necklaces. Asian imports. That sort of thing.
PHOEBE
Let me see them.
PHILEON
I cannot. They are for the eyes of the Amazon Queen only.
PHOEBE
How do you know I’m not the Amazon Queen?
PHILEON
Are you the Amazon Queen?
(Pause. She just stares at him. Another beat, as Phoebe checks over her shoulder. Another beat, as she stares at him.)
PHOEBE
Yes. I am. I am the Amazon Queen.
PHILEON
Then why are you on guard duty?
PHOEBE
It is Amazon law. If the Queen wants something done right, she must do it herself.
PHILEON
That’s kind of an odd law.
PHOEBE
Are you calling the Queen a liar?!
PHILEON
No, no, of course not.
PHOEBE
Then bow before me!! (He does. She likes it.) Bow before me again! Now, toss your hair.
PHILEON
I apologize, your Majesty. It’s just… I thought you’d be…
PHOEBE
What?
PHILEON
Well… better dressed, for one thing.
PHOEBE
Maybe I would be if I had some golden necklaces!
PHILEON
Oh, yes, of course. Here you are, your Majesty. These are Egyptian gold from the finest alchemists in Cairo.
PHOEBE
Oo! Pretty.
PHILEON
And oriental silk from the silk mines of Asia.
PHOEBE
Yay!
PHILEON
And this is chocolate.
PHOEBE
Oh, god, I love you!
PHILEON
What–?
PHOEBE
Never mind, what else? What else??
PHILEON
That’s all for the gifts.
PHOEBE
(drawing her sword) Prepare to die.
PHILEON
(drawing a parchment) But I also have a message for you.
PHOEBE
Oooh. A massage would be nice. Do my feet!
PHILEON
No. Message. A royal message from the King of Ilium.
PHOEBE
(disappointed) Oh, all right. But do the feet anyway.
(She makes him massage her feet, while he reads from the parchment.)
PHILEON
His royal Majesty craves you–
PHOEBE
He craves me?
PHILEON
To accept these gifts as overtures to peace–
PHOEBE
He "craves me" craves me? Or just craves me?
PHILEON
And if it please your Majesty, the king also desires me–
PHOEBE
He desires you?
PHILEON
To establish diplomatic relations–
PHOEBE
What kind of King is he?
PHILEON
And to place myself at your humble service–
PHOEBE
He desires you?
PHILEON
To do as your highness may please.
PHOEBE
So your King is a homophile?
PHILEON
No!
PHOEBE
It’s okay, if he is. We have them here, too.
PHILEON
He’s not!
PHOEBE
The next village over is almost all sapphists.
PHILEON
His Majesty is not a sapphist.
PHOEBE
Sapphists are girls.
PHILEON
Or a boy sapphist, whatever they’re called.
PHOEBE
Oh, please! You’re a Trojan. I think you know what they’re called.
PHILEON
What’s that supposed to mean?
PHOEBE
So you are here to please me?
PHILEON
And establish diplomatic relations.
PHOEBE
I see. What is that you are wearing?
PHILEON
What? This tunic?
PHOEBE
Take it off. It displeases me.
PHILEON
Um… You want me to… remove my tunic?
PHOEBE
DO NOT ANGER THE QUEEN!
PHILEON
No, ma’am.
(He hurriedly removes his tunic.)
PHOEBE
Slowly! Slowly! Do not anger the Queen more slowly.
(Taking the hint, Phileon strips off his tunic, slowly and seductively.)
That’s better, yes! Yes! O, yes! Thank you, man-bassador! I see now that there is much that our two civilizations can learn from one another.
PHILEON
His Majesty will be pleased to hear it.
PHOEBE
But if we are going to have diplomatic relations, you must first master the Amazon Tongue.
PHILEON
Cannot we converse in Latin, the universal language? As we are doing already?
PHOEBE
Ha! The Amazon Tongue is more universal than any language.
(She grabs him and kisses him. He flails. After awhile, they come up for air.)
Sweet Aphrodite! You are a quick study.
PHILEON
(wiping his mouth) I hope I don’t pick up any strange accents.
(She kisses him again.)
(Enter DAPHNE, another Amazon Warrior.)
DAPHNE
Who dares to trespass upon the sovereign soil of the Amazon Queen?
PHOEBE
Go away, Daphne, I have this under control.
DAPHNE
Phoebe? What’s going on here??
PHOEBE
Nothing!
DAPHNE
Who is this girl, and what is she doing outside the village?
PHILEON
I’m not a girl.
PHOEBE
Yes, he is. He’s a girl. From the village. She must have got out while I wasn’t looking. Back to the village with you.
PHILEON
I am not a girl!
DAPHNE
Then why are you dressed like one?
PHILEON
I’m not.
DAPHNE
Sure, you are. Loincloth or a skirt, and topless. That’s the uniform for anyone under twenty.
PHILEON
This is how you dress your teenage girls?!?
PHOEBE
It’s the only way to tell the virgins from the…um… alpha virgins.
PHILEON
(to Phoebe) I think I would like to meet your niece.
DAPHNE
You’re not from around here, are you?
PHILEON
No. I am Phileon of Ilium.
DAPHNE
Ilium? But isn’t that…Man country?
PHILEON
Yes, it is! And I am a man! (shrinking) But please, don’t kill me.
DAPHNE
What are you doing all the way out here?
PHILEON
I am an ambassador of peace, sent by my king to pay respect to the mighty warrior maidens of the Amazon.
DAPHNE
You’re paying what?
PHOEBE
Gold and chocolate and silk! And if you keep your voice down, there might be enough for both of us.
DAPHNE
No, no, no, he didn’t say gold, he said respect. You were respecting her?
PHILEON
Yes, I–
DAPHNE
I want some respect, too!
PHOEBE
You have to wait your turn.
DAPHNE
And did you say chocolate?
PHOEBE
(quickly) All right, fine! You can have some respect. But we’re splitting the silk!
PHILEON
Your Majesty, what’s going on?
DAPHNE
Her Majesty?? You told him you were the Queen! And you took all the chocolate!!
PHILEON
You’re not the Queen?
PHOEBE
Yes, yes, I am! Remove your loincloth! It displeases me, also.
DAPHNE
Don’t listen to her, she’s not the Queen.
PHOEBE
(whispers) Daphne, you fool! What are you doing?!
DAPHNE
On the contrary, I am the Queen! And I am the one your loincloth displeases. Remove it at once.
PHILEON
Now wait a minute–
DAPHNE
I demand respect!
PHILEON
I’m starting to think neither of you is the Queen.
DAPHNE
Phoebe! Tell him that I am the Queen. Or do you want your Queen to be angry at you for impersonating her Highness behind her back? (evilly) Because I can arrange that.
PHOEBE
You wouldn’t!
DAPHNE
Wouldn’t I?
PHOEBE
I’ll get you for this.
PHILEON
Okay, what’s going on here?
PHOEBE
It is true. She is the Queen.
PHILEON
Then why–
PHOEBE
I was just…debriefing you. For her.
DAPHNE
Let the debriefing continue!
PHILEON
Now wait–
DAPHNE
I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOW ME RESPECT!!
(He hurriedly undoes his loincloth.)Slowly. Show me respect more slowly.
PHILEON
This is the strangest diplomatic mission I’ve ever been on.
(He strips off his loincloth. They squint at him.)
DAPHNE
Hmm… Somehow I thought his respect would be… bigger
PHOEBE
…wider
DAPHNE
…ribbed
PHILEON
I did not come here to be insulted.
DAPHNE
(to Phoebe) Did you establish diplomatic relations?
PHOEBE
Not all the way.
DAPHNE
If a Queen wants something done right…
(Daphne grabs Phileon and kisses him. She recoils in surprise.)
DAPHNE
He knows the Amazon Tongue!
PHOEBE
Yeah, but he’s not fluent.
DAPHNE
Give me 10 minutes.
PHILEON
Your Majest–
(She kisses him again. Phoebe grows impatient.)
PHOEBE
All right, that’s enough. My turn!
(Phoebe pulls Daphne off Phileon and kisses him herself.)
DAPHNE
How dare you lay hands upon your Queen!
(Daphne pulls Phoebe off Phileon.)
PHOEBE
My Queen, my behind!
(They fight.)
PHILEON
Ladies, please! You must not fight. I am here on a peaceful mission. How would it look if I returned to my kingdom and told them that a civil war broke out among the Amazons, because they were fighting over me, while I stood by naked and helpless and… you know… I’m just going to put my loincloth back on now, if that’s okay. Bit nippy here in the Amazon. (He picks up the loincloth.) I mean, seriously, who knew the tropics could be so drafty? Y’know, maybe the tunic, too.
(Daphne seizes his loincloth. She tries to strangle Phoebe with it.)
DAPHNE
The man-truder is mine!
PHOEBE
I saw him first.
DAPHNE
I saw him naked.
(While they fight. Phileon tries to cover his privates with a spear, or a palm frond, or a dead kinkajou.)
(The AMAZON QUEEN storms in, furious.)
QUEEN
What in the name of all that is divinely feminine is going on here?
BOTH
Uh oh.
PHILEON
Now what?
(Daphne and Phoebe hide Phileon behind them.)
QUEEN
We are trying to have a slumber party in here, and you are going to wake the girls.
DAPHNE
Yes, your Majesty.
PHOEBE
Sorry, your Majesty.
DAPHNE
It was nothing.
PHOEBE
Just a kinkajou. Got a little loud.
DAPHNE
You know how they get when you geld ‘em.
QUEEN
Well, keep it down!
PHOEBE
No problem.
DAPHNE
Yes, ma’am.
PHOEBE
Quiet as a sloth.
(She eyes them suspiciously. They fidget guiltily. She notices Phileon.)
QUEEN
And what’s this?
PHOEBE
A girl. From the next village.
DAPHNE
She was just going home. Off you go!
PHOEBE
(whispers) But call me.
QUEEN
She doesn’t look like a girl…
PHILEON
I am not a girl.
QUEEN
(aghast) Oh my Goddess! It’s a man–
PHILEON
Thank you!
QUEEN
–Dressed like a girl!
PHILEON
Okay, that’s it! I am putting on my shirt.
QUEEN
Is this what all the noise is about? The two of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Fighting over a man.
DAPHNE
Yes, ma’am.
PHOEBE
Sorry, ma’am.
PHILEON
Let me guess, now you’re the Queen.
QUEEN
Don’t get cocky with me, boy. I’ll give you a career in opera.
PHILEON
(backing away) Gotcha.
QUEEN
Now you see why we have a ban! This is exactly what I tried to warn you about. Men are nothing but trouble.
PHOEBE
Yes, but they are a very pretty trouble.
DAPHNE
It’s just one man, Majesty, can’t we keep him?
QUEEN
You won’t take care of him.
DAPHNE
I will! I will!
QUEEN
He’d have to be your responsibility.
DAPHNE
I promise!
PHOEBE
That’s not fair! I found him!
DAPHNE
I stole him from you!
PHOEBE
Did not!
QUEEN
All right, that’s enough. It’s no use. If we don’t get rid of him, you’ll both be fighting constantly.
BOTH
Yes, your Majesty.
QUEEN
I hope you haven’t been teaching him the Amazon tongue.
PHOEBE
No.
DAPHNE
Nuh uh.
PHOEBE
I don’t know where he learned it.
QUEEN
(to Phileon) What am I going to do with you?
PHOEBE
Why can’t we all share him?
DAPHNE
Or split him three ways.
QUEEN
We’re not going to split him.
PHILEON
Thank you.
QUEEN
You know the law. He has to be put to death.
PHILEON
Death?! No, geld me! Geld me! (then) What am I saying? Kill me! Kill me!
QUEEN
I am very, very disappointed in both of you.
DAPHNE
You are right, your Majesty. Men are trouble.
PHOEBE
With a capital tau.
DAPHNE
But we could not help ourselves. Just look at him.
PHOEBE
But first imagine him without the tunic. Take off your tunic!! And arch your back.
DAPHNE
Does not the sight of him make you tingle in ways that you’d rather not talk about in public?
QUEEN
He’s not my type.
DAPHNE
Are you kidding? We live in a remote jungle. He’s everybody’s type.
QUEEN
Some of us know how to show restraint.
PHOEBE
But your Highness–
DAPHNE
Oh… my… gods!
PHOEBE
What?
DAPHNE
Nobody’s that restrained.
PHOEBE
(realizing) Holy Hera’s teat…!
PHILEON
(bewildered) What? What just happened?
DAPHNE
Her Majesty is a sapphist.
QUEEN
(caught) No, that’s not–Of course not! I have chosen a life of sisterly celibacy because it’s fun. And because of the unique educational opportunities.
PHOEBE
Then, it’s true! O, your Majesty, for shame!
QUEEN
Now, girls, you mustn’t be judgmental. What’s wrong with being a sapphist?
DAPHNE
Judgmental? We thought you had sworn us all to a life of maiden seclusion and Greco-Roman sportsmanship, out of sisterly affinity. Not just gyno-erotic camaraderie.
QUEEN
But you liked the camaraderie! You all did! Think how much fun we had. The slumber parties and makeovers? And midnight field hockey?
PHOEBE
Those are nice. But watch him when he dances. (to Phileon) Dance!
PHILEON
If I might say a word–
PHOEBE
Shut up and dance!!
DAPHNE
You may not feel it, Majesty, but his grotesque gyrations make our pulses race and our endorphins purr as no Pilates class ever could.
PHOEBE
And you took all that away from us.
DAPHNE
You made us live in a jungle! Eating peccary! When there was chocolate to be had in the city! And shirtless men to bring it to us!
QUEEN
All right, I’ve heard enough. You see! This is the problem with men. One whiff of pheromones and the whole of society crumbles. You’re lucky I am a sapphist, or there’d be nobody left to do the sensible thing. Now, kill him at once. It’s for your own good.
DAPHNE
We refuse.
PHILEON
Thank you.
QUEEN
I see. (drawing her sword) Well, if a Queen wants something done right…
PHOEBE
Majesty, please!
QUEEN
He must die!
DAPHNE
No!
(The Queen attacks Phileon. Phoebe and Daphne defend him. They fight.)
PHILEON
Ladies, women, Amazons. I must insist that you cease fighting at once. And that I be allowed to put on my tunic. We can work this out. I’m sure there’s enough of me to go around. Maybe not all the way around. But with a diet rich in protein, I’m sure I could handle the two thirds majority necessary to reach an amicable resolution.
QUEEN
Oh, put some clothes on, sausage!
DAPHNE
Don’t you dare!
(Daphne and Phoebe fight the Queen. Daphne and Phoebe fight each other, over Phileon. Occasionally, Phoebe stops to make out with him, then goes back to fighting. Eventually, the Queen is killed. The fighting stops.)
BOTH
Uh oh…
PHILEON
Your Majesty? Your Majesty?! Please, don’t die. This won’t look good on my resume.
QUEEN
Just like a man. (dies)
PHOEBE
We’re in big trouble…
DAPHNE
Hey, wait a minute, I just defeated the Queen in mortal combat. According to Amazon law, that makes me the new Queen!
PHILEON
It does?
PHOEBE
Hold on, I defeated her, too.
DAPHNE
Prove it!
PHOEBE
He’s my witness.
DAPHNE
Not if I pluck his eyes out.
PHILEON
Whoa! Leave me out of this.
(Daphne attacks Phileon. Phoebe defends him. They fight.)
DAPHNE
You just want more chocolate!
PHOEBE
You’re not the only one sick of peccary!
(They fight.)
PHILEON
This– Please– Wait– I beg of you–
(Daphne is killed, and Phoebe mortally wounded.)
PHILEON
Ohhh, this looks bad…
PHOEBE
Is she dead?
PHILEON
Yes. Congratulations, your Majesty. Now you really are the Queen.
PHOEBE
It is well. Come here, man-truder… Obey my dying wish.
PHILEON
Are you going to kiss me again?
PHOEBE
Is that all you men think about?
PHILEON
All we think about?!
PHOEBE
You have brought strife and carnage to this peaceful Amazon village.
PHILEON
And I am so sorry about that.
PHOEBE
Silence!
PHILEON
Yes, your Majesty.
PHOEBE
Return to your King. Tell him there can never be peace between our people. It is the only way.
PHILEON
Yes, yes. I see that now.
PHOEBE
Man-truder–
PHILEON
Yes, Majesty?
PHOEBE
Now I’m going to kiss you.
(She grabs him and kisses him. He flails.)
~ FIN ~