Zombie Princess
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2009
(A TWEEN GIRL faces the audience, dressed like a fairy tale PRINCESS. She holds a plastic trick-or-treat pumpkin in front of her. Just upstage of her, a TEENAGE BOY is dressed like a ZOMBIE.)
PRINCESS
Ill never forget the first time I was molested. Because it was Halloween.
ZOMBIE
The first chance I get, Im gonna fuck your brains out.
PRINCESS
Thats how I remember it, anyway. I guess witnesses would have described it differently. If there had been any witnesses. But we were alone the whole time.
(Living room of PRINCESSs house. Scenery doesnt change, but thats where we are. ZOMBIE turns to PRINCESS and starts the scene.)
ZOMBIE
Wheres your sister?
PRINCESS
Shes upstairs. You want me to get her?
ZOMBIE
Just ask her what time she wants me to pick her up for trick-or-treating tonight?
PRINCESS
Oh, are you coming with us?
ZOMBIE
What do you mean "us"?
PRINCESS
She always takes me with her on Halloween.
ZOMBIE
Well see about that.
PRINCESS
What are you going as?
ZOMBIE
I dunno. Whats your sister gonna be?
PRINCESS
A princess. Shes always a princess.
ZOMBIE
I bet shes hot.
PRINCESS
Its not very original.
ZOMBIE
Youd be a cute princess.
PRINCESS
Im going as Condoleezza Rice.
(ZOMBIE laughs. PRINCESS looks hurt. He changes the subject.)
ZOMBIE
Maybe Ill go as prince charming.
PRINCESS
Maybe you should go as a frog.
ZOMBIE
Maybe you should go as a fly.
(Shes not sure what he means by that. Awkward silence.)
ZOMBIE
Are you going to ask her?
PRINCESS
She has to be home by ten. Maybe you should pick her up at seven.
ZOMBIE
Yeah, all right.
(ZOMBIE exits. PRINCESS turns to audience.)
PRINCESS
Every Halloween since I was six years old, I had always gone trick-or-treating as a female secretary of state. But for some reason, that year, I suddenly had the urge to go as a fairy tale princess. So I got into my sisters closet and found one of her old princess costumes to wear.
(She looks at herself. Shes dressed as a Princess, obviously.)
(Halloween night. Nothing changes, but its later. Enter ZOMBIE.)
ZOMBIE
Wheres your sister?
(PRINCESS turns into the scene. They both stop short. They look each other up and down.)
ZOMBIE
What are you doing?
PRINCESS
Its my costume.
ZOMBIE
I thought you were going as a fly.
PRINCESS
I thought you were going as a frog.
ZOMBIE
Yeah, well, Im a zombie.
PRINCESS
I guess so.
ZOMBIE
Wheres your sister?
PRINCESS
I dont know. Shes not here. (lying) I think shes over at her friend Margarets house. She said to meet her there.
ZOMBIE
All right, whatever. Are you still coming with us?
(PRINCESS turns out to the audience.)
PRINCESS
I suddenly wished that I had decided to go as a Zombie Princess instead. Or some brains. But I dont know how you go as brains. My mom had some old chicken salad in the fridge that had gone bad and turned gray. Maybe if I smeared it all over my body
(She gazes longingly toward the kitchen for a moment. She turns out again.)
PRINCESS
No, never mind. Thats stupid.
(She turns toward ZOMBIE.)
ZOMBIE
All right, fine, lets go. Get in the car.
(ZOMBIE exits. She stares after him.)
PRINCESS
I felt sorry for him because he didnt know that my sister wasnt at Margarets house at all, because she had decided weeks ago to dump him and hook up with Jason Allburn instead who was co-captain of the cheer squad.
So she was over at Jason Allburns house dressed as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, because she had heard that Jason would be there with a bottle of peach schnapps and a guitar and dressed as one of the characters that Buffy kills in season three, but not before making out with him at the prom, or something like that. At least thats how I remember it.
So I guess there was no reason for us to be at Margarets house, except that they have a little gazebo in the front yard in case you have to wait around for someone.
(Front yard of Margarets house. Scenery doesnt change, but thats where we are. ZOMBIE is shivering as he comes in.)
ZOMBIE
Are you sure she said Margarets?
PRINCESS
I think so.
ZOMBIE
I rang the doorbell like five times.
PRINCESS
Shes probably inside getting ready. Maybe we should wait.
(They wait.)
ZOMBIE
Whats that smell?
PRINCESS
(embarrassed) I dont smell anything.
(He sniffs around.)
ZOMBIE
Its coming from your candy pail.
PRINCESS
Oh. That. Yeah. I brought a chicken salad sandwich.
ZOMBIE
Why?
PRINCESS
I dunno. In case we get hungry.
ZOMBIE
Youre a weird kid.
(PRINCESS reddens. Embarrassed silence.)
ZOMBIE
All right, let me have it.
PRINCESS
Really?
ZOMBIE
Gotta do something while were waiting.
(PRINCESS reaches in her pumpkin and hands ZOMBIE half of a chicken salad sandwich. He eats.)
ZOMBIE
Yknow, you kinda look like your sister in that outfit.
PRINCESS
I do?
ZOMBIE
Yeah. Youre kinda cute.
(PRINCESS blushes self-consciously.)
PRINCESS
Shes got bigger boobs.
ZOMBIE
I dont know. You look like you got something going on there.
(He grins and tries to peek down her top.)
PRINCESS
(blushes) Stop.
ZOMBIE
Let me see.
PRINCESS
Stop looking at them.
(He does.)
ZOMBIE
Im just saying, when you get older, youre probly gonna be even hotter than your sister.
PRINCESS
Really?
ZOMBIE
Youre gonna have guys all over you.
PRINCESS
No, Im not.
ZOMBIE
Yeah, like zombies. Braaains!
(He lurches toward her, zombie-like, hands outstretched toward her breasts.)
PRINCESS
Those arent my brains.
(She tries to swat him away. He gropes at her.)
ZOMBIE
Braaaaains!
PRINCESS
That tickles!
ZOMBIE
Oh, you want to be tickled?
(He tickles her.)
PRINCESS
(laughing) No! You stop that!
ZOMBIE
(zombie-like) Booooobs!
(He grabs the front of her dress.)
PRINCESS
Your hands are cold! Robbie, dont!
(She pulls away. The dress rips.)
ZOMBIE
Uh oh.
(He quickly lets her go. She holds her dress up.)
PRINCESS
You tore my dress.
ZOMBIE
Im sorry.
PRINCESS
I want to go home.
ZOMBIE
I said I was sorry.
PRINCESS
You have to take me home.
ZOMBIE
I cant take you home. Were waiting for your sister.
PRINCESS
Take me home right now!
ZOMBIE
No, Im not taking you anywhere! Just wait!
PRINCESS
Shes not in there! Shes not coming! Shes over at Jason Allburns getting drunk on peach schnapps! God, Robbie! Shes over at Jasons because she broke up with you. Thats why shes not answering the door. And you just dont know it, because youre too stupid to see whats obvious!!
(ZOMBIE is in shock.)
ZOMBIE
She what
?
PRINCESS
(sheepishly) Im sorry.
ZOMBIE
She broke up with me?
PRINCESS
(embarrassed) Im sorry.
ZOMBIE
She told you that?
PRINCESS
I figured it out.
ZOMBIE
My stomach hurts.
PRINCESS
Im sorry, Robbie.
ZOMBIE
Oh my God
(ZOMBIE sobs and holds his stomach. PRINCESS fidgets with her pumpkin pail. Awkward silence.)
PRINCESS
Robbie, dont cry
(He does.)
PRINCESS
You can look at them if you want.
(Pause.)
ZOMBIE
What?
PRINCESS
If you want, you can look at them.
(Awkward silence. Hes not sure what she means by that. He takes a deep breath and reaches for her boobs.)
PRINCESS
I like to think that the reasons Robbies stomach was in knots that night was not because he was upset about my sister dumping him for a supporting character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And not because my mothers chicken salad had gone bad, and we had to take him to the hospital later and get his stomach pumped.
I like to think its because even a total zombie gets butterflies in his stomach when he finds the right person.
I know I do.
(End of Play.)© 2009 Jeff Goode - THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR