copyright © 2006

I thought this year I’d win for sure.
The Halloween costume contest.
But the judges.
I didn’t even come in third place.

Thanks to what happened last night
There are at least 3 people
Who came to believe that they had better costumes.
Than I.
Which was not the case.

Look at me.
I am accurate to the smallest detail.
But the judges didn’t see it.
All they could say to me:
"What are you supposed to be? A fumigator?"
The word is ‘exterminator’.
And, no, that’s not what I’m supposed to be.

I am a serial killer.
She’s supposed to think I’m a fumigator.
Don’t you get it?
Don’t you read the papers?
The Valley Killer.
Seven murders.
That we know of.
No sign of forced entry.
He gets into their apartment as a maintenance worker, they think.
Cable guy. Or gas/electric.
Or… an exterminator.

They invite him in.
Like a vampire.
He won’t come uninvited.
But an exterminator seems harmless enough, right?
He’s only there to…kill…things. Stupid whores.

I talked to the judges after.
The one who was dressed like a cat vampire
Said I would have had a better chance if I looked more like a real serial killer.
How do you look more than exactly like a serial killer?
I even wore the same boots.
Look, there’s still something brown caked on them.

The bride-of-Frankenstein judge thought I should have a trophy.
I agree completely.
But I guess that’s not what she meant.
"Serial killers have trophies from their victims," she told me.
Yes, but not on them.
What does she expect me to do?
Carry a dismembered hand around on a chain around my neck?
Both judges agreed that if I did that, it would be "super creepy".

A serial killer isn’t trying to be creepy on purpose! Sluts!
But look who I’m talking to.
A vampire with whiskers and fur mittens.
And a Frankenstein bitch with coiffed hair and glitter day-glo eye shadow.

They suggested I’d do better if I picked a more famous serial killer next time.
More famous than the Valley Killer?
Nine murders?
Seven that we know of?
I mean, seriously, who died and made them judge?

But that’s the thing.
These contests are never fair.
It’s not the best costume that wins.
It’s whatever impresses the judges.

And I think next year I’ve got a real winner.