Grand Guignol
A Simple Procedure

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2008

(Hospital recovery room. A PATIENT lies unconscious in her hospital bed. A NURSE sits at her bedside, eating Chinese food out of a take-out carton. The PATIENT begins to stir.)

PATIENT
Ohhh…

NURSE
Uh oh. She’s coming around. I need a doctor in here, stat. Stat! Super stat!

PATIENT
Where am I?

NURSE
Hello! You’re still in the hospital. How are you?

PATIENT
I don’t feel so good.

NURSE
Well, you’ve been through quite a lot.

PATIENT
What happened?

NURSE
I’m sure the doctor will answer all your questions as soon as he gets here. I just need you to sign a few things first.

PATIENT
What things?

NURSE
It’s just routine consent forms. Confidentiality. That sort of thing.

PATIENT
I already did that.

NURSE
Really? When?

PATIENT
When I was admitted. My husband filled out all these forms for me.

NURSE
Oh, that. Well, those were for the original operation. We just need a few additional forms to cover whatever may or may not have happened while you were under anesthesia.

PATIENT
Why? What happened?

NURSE
That’s the part we’d like to keep confidential.

PATIENT
And why was I unconscious? They said they were going to give me a local anesthetic. I was supposed to be awake the whole time. They said I’d be in and out in an afternoon.

NURSE
Well, you know doctors. They say things. Just sign and initial here.

PATIENT
Where’s my doctor?

NURSE
He’s on his way, I promise. Just an X is all I need. Or any mark will do. Smiley face. Inkblot. Thumbprint.

PATIENT
I’m not signing anything. (She snatches forms away from the Nurse.) What is this?!

NURSE
Hey, give that back!

PATIENT
My eternal what?

NURSE
You’re not supposed to read that.

PATIENT
What is going on here?

NURSE
Just sign it, dammit!

(They wrestle for the forms.)

PATIENT
(calling out) Nurse! Nurse!

NURSE
I am a nurse! I swear!

PATIENT
(calling out) Doctor! Janitor! Anybody!

NURSE
You’re not being very cooperative.

PATIENT
Get off me! Help! Help!

(The DOCTOR walks in on the NURSE struggling atop the PATIENT.)

DOCTOR
What in the holy hell is going on in here?!

NURSE
(jumping off the bed) She did it!

PATIENT
She’s trying to make me sign things.

NURSE
Just routine consent forms. We have them on all the subjects.

DOCTOR
Patients.

NURSE
Patients.

PATIENT
Read this one! Look what it says!

DOCTOR
It’s all right now, Mrs. Garvin, I’ll handle this. Nurse!

NURSE
Yes, Doctor?

DOCTOR
Do you know who this is?

NURSE
Uh… Mrs. Garvin? (reading the forms) Greta Gayle Garvin. Room 206B.

DOCTOR
That’s correct.

NURSE
(relieved) You had me worried there.

DOCTOR
And did you now that Mrs. Garvin, besides being a patient under our care, is also one of the city’s top personal injury lawyers?

NURSE
Uh oh.

PATIENT
That’s right! I have sued people into bankruptcy for way less than this. And don’t think I won’t do it again in a heartbeat!

NURSE
So I guess we don’t need those signatures after all.

PATIENT
I sued a nun! I’d eat you alive in a courtroom!

DOCTOR
No, I guess we don’t. Now, if you don’t mind?

NURSE
No, not at all. You two go right ahead.

(The NURSE stands politely aside, but doesn’t actually leave.)

DOCTOR
Mrs. Garvin, I apologized for that. She won’t be bothering you again.

PATIENT
She’s still here.

NURSE
I’m very quiet.

DOCTOR
Try to ignore her. She can’t hurt you anymore.

PATIENT
She’s not supposed to hurt me. She’s a nurse!

NURSE
What are you saying? I’ll cut you, bitch!

DOCTOR
Now stop it. Calm down. Do I have to separate you two?

PATIENT
Yes! Please! Separate us!

NURSE
You see how she is?

DOCTOR
You have to lie still, Mrs. Garvin. You don’t want to pull your stitches.

PATIENT
What stitches?

DOCTOR
Just try to breath normally. It’s going to be all right now. How are you feeling?

PATIENT
I’m a little freaked out, frankly.

DOCTOR
That’s understandable. You’ve been through quite a lot.

PATIENT
That’s what she said. What does that mean?

DOCTOR
Well, first the good news: You survived the operation.

PATIENT
I should hope so! It was supposed to be routine.

DOCTOR
Well, it started out routine. But I’m afraid there were complications.

PATIENT
Complications?! It was a simple procedure. Low risk, you said. Local anesthetic. In and out through the belly button so there’s no scarring.

DOCTOR
Yes, well, that’s the complication.

PATIENT
Scarring?! Scarring is the complication?! What the hell did you do to me?

NURSE
Funny you should say that.

DOCTOR
We had to perform a C-section.

PATIENT
A what?!

DOCTOR
Caesarian section. It’s a procedure in which a surgical incision is made across–

PATIENT
I know what it is! Why did you do it?

DOCTOR
Believe me, it was for the good of the baby.

PATIENT
But I wasn’t pregnant!

DOCTOR
Yes, we know that now.

PATIENT
You cut me open to find out if I was pregnant?

DOCTOR
We had to be sure.

PATIENT
You couldn’t have asked?

NURSE
You might have lied. Women lie. Lawyers lie.

PATIENT
What about a pregnancy test? Do those lie?!

NURSE
I don’t like your attitude.

DOCTOR
We had to perform a C-section because we also needed to remove your ovaries.

PATIENT
You what?

NURSE
You had an oophorectomy. Here you go.

(NURSE hands PATIENT a jar with something floating in it.)

PATIENT
What’s this?

NURSE
Your ovaries. Thought you might like them. As a souvenir.

PATIENT
What?! No! Ew!!

NURSE
All right. More for me.

PATIENT
What was wrong with my ovaries?

DOCTOR
Nothing. They were perfectly normal.

NURSE
(pointing at the ovaries) This one was. This one’s kinda lookin’ at me funny.

PATIENT
So you took them both out?!

DOCTOR
It was for your own protection.

PATIENT
I came here for a simple breast augmentation. And now I’m sterile.

DOCTOR
Not necessarily.

PATIENT
Not necessarily?! You gave me a total hysterectomy! How much more sterile can I get?

NURSE
Actually, you’re still hysterical. You’ve just been spayed, that’s all.

DOCTOR
The womb itself is very fertile.

PATIENT
Artificial insemination? You’re crazy if you think I’m ever gonna let another doctor near me after this.

NURSE
That’s probably a good idea.

DOCTOR
If you’d allow me to explain…

NURSE
Better ask her if she wants to keep her spleen.

DOCTOR
I was getting to that, thank you.

PATIENT
Of course, I want my spleen! Are you kidding?!

NURSE
I’ll go get it.

PATIENT
What?

DOCTOR
Yes, I’m afraid we had to remove your spleen, as well.

PATIENT
My spleen?!

DOCTOR
That’s what this cute little scar is.

PATIENT
Don’t touch me!

DOCTOR
The spleen helps your body fight infection, so it had to go.

NURSE
(handing her another jar) Here you are.

PATIENT
What’s this?

NURSE
Your spleen.

PATIENT
Augh! Yuck! Get it away from me!

NURSE
Make up your mind.

PATIENT
So now I’m gonna get sick and get more infections?

DOCTOR
I know. But it was absolutely necessary, I assure you.

PATIENT
What in God’s name for?! (cramping) Ow!

DOCTOR
Please, watch your language.

PATIENT
Fuck you!

DOCTOR
If you still had your spleen, your body might have treated the implant as an infection and tried to expel it.

PATIENT
I want to see my husband.

DOCTOR
Why? Is he a gynecologist?

PATIENT
No, he’s a lawyer, too, and we’re gonna slap this whole hospital with a malpractice suit that’ll make your head spin.

NURSE
Oo! Fun!

PATIENT
He’s in the waiting room. Go get him.

DOCTOR
I’m afraid that’s not possible.

PATIENT
I don’t care what you’re afraid of, get him in here!

DOCTOR
I’m sorry, Mrs. Garvin, but your husband is gone.

PATIENT
He better not be. I told him to wait outside.

DOCTOR
I don’t think you understand. The operation took much longer than we anticipated.

PATIENT
Oh no… How long was I under? What day is this?

DOCTOR
Friday.

PATIENT
It’s still Friday. Oh, good.

NURSE
I know. T.G.I.F. Am I right?

PATIENT
So how long was I out?

DOCTOR
A little over six months.

PATIENT
You said it’s Friday!

DOCTOR
Yes, Friday six months from now. I mean, from when you remember it being now. You’ve been in a coma.

PATIENT
Oh my God! (cramping) Ow!

DOCTOR
I wish you would watch your language.

PATIENT
I came here for a breast augmentation and next thing I know my spleen rejects the implants and I’m out cold for six months. Don’t tell me what to do with my damn language!

DOCTOR
What makes you think the implant was rejected?

PATIENT
Because look at me. These are the same boobs I came in with.

NURSE
(aside to the Doctor) I think she means the breast implants.

DOCTOR
Whoops.

NURSE
You forgot about that, didn’t you?

DOCTOR
I asked you to remind me.

PATIENT
What implants did you think I was talking about?

DOCTOR
Not to worry, we can do the breast augmentation this afternoon. It’s a simple procedure.

PATIENT
All right, that’s it! Give me a phone, I’m calling my husband.

DOCTOR
I already told you, that’s not possible.

PATIENT
Don’t tell me what to do.

DOCTOR
Your husband is dead.

PATIENT
What?! He’s dead?!

DOCTOR
He was killed while you were in your coma. You mustn’t blame yourself.

NURSE
Yeah, it was totally his fault.

PATIENT
Why? What happened?

DOCTOR
Well, I’m afraid he was asking too many questions.

PATIENT
He what?

NURSE
"What’s happening to my wife? How long will she be out? What baby?" That sort of thing.

PATIENT
What baby?

NURSE
You see, like that.

PATIENT
My husband was asking about a baby. What baby?!

DOCTOR
Your baby. (to Nurse) Didn’t you tell her?

NURSE
No, I just do the forms.

PATIENT
You said I wasn’t having a baby.

DOCTOR
You weren’t having a baby. Now you are.

PATIENT
How? You took out my reproductive organs.

DOCTOR
That’s because your own eggs might have tried to compete with the child we implanted in your womb.

PATIENT
With the what?! You did what?!

DOCTOR
You’re pregnant.

NURSE
Congratulations.

PATIENT
What the hell did you do that for?

DOCTOR
I didn’t mean to. I assure you. This really was supposed to be a routine procedure. But when we prepared to go in through the navel, in order to avoid scarring, I happened to notice your birthmark.

PATIENT
I don’t have any birthmarks.

DOCTOR
Of course, you do. These three sixes in a pattern around your belly button. Six six six. I saw the mark of the master and I knew immediately that you were the one.

PATIENT
What one?

DOCTOR
The chosen one spoken of in prophecy.

PATIENT
That’s not a birthmark, it’s a tattoo. And they’re not sixes, they’re Gs. Those are my initials. G. G. G. Greta Gayle Garvin.

DOCTOR
Oh.

NURSE
Whoops again.

DOCTOR
The master is not going to be happy about this.

NURSE
Although, to be fair, he’s pissy about everything.

PATIENT
What master?

DOCTOR
The one whose offspring you will carry into this world.

NURSE
Don’t worry, you’ll meet him.

PATIENT
Whose baby did you put inside me?

DOCTOR
He does not like us to speak his name aloud.

PATIENT
Holy shit! Satan?!

DOCTOR
Don’t say that! Forgive us, O master!

PATIENT
You crazy people think you put Satan’s baby in me?

DOCTOR & NURSE
Forgive us, O master! Forgive us, O master!

NURSE
It’s only temporary.

DOCTOR
Just until you bring him into this world to reign supreme over all mankind.

PATIENT
Oh, Jesus.

DOCTOR
Don’t say that, either.

PATIENT
Ouch. Kicks like a mother fucker.

NURSE
It’s the hooves.

PATIENT
Hooves?

NURSE
Sure. Son of Satan. Or daughter. Won’t that be nice? Cute little redhead.

PATIENT
Is that why you tried to have me sign my soul away?

DOCTOR
(laughing it off) Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. Why would we do that?

PATIENT
Because that’s what it says on the form she tried to make me sign.

DOCTOR
You let her read the form?

NURSE
I said I was sorry about that.

PATIENT
Well, good luck getting my soul now!

DOCTOR
Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. If you’ve been practicing law for any length of time, we probably already have it.

NURSE
That’s why we don’t bother getting signatures from lawyers. They’re hardly ever binding. It’s like taking out a second mortgage on a new house. There’s no equity.

PATIENT
Oh, that’s low. Even for Satanists.

NURSE
Thank you.

DOCTOR
You really should think about trying to make this relationship work.

PATIENT
Go to hell!

NURSE
That’s the spirit!

DOCTOR
He’ll be so glad to hear you’re coming around.

PATIENT
I’m not coming anywhere. I’m getting out of here.

DOCTOR
No, you can’t. You’ll rupture your sutures. You could bleed to death.

PATIENT
I’ll take my chances with the blood loss.

(She tries to get up. They hold her down.)

NURSE
You have to be careful. You’re gestating for two now.

PATIENT
Get your hands off me! (She grabs chopsticks out of the Chinese food carton and holds them up like a cross.) Back off!

NURSE
Look out, she’s got a crucifix!

DOCTOR
Oh, hell. (to Nurse) I told you: No Chinese food in the recovery room.

PATIENT
Okay, I’m walking out of here, now. And I’m going to a real hospital and find a real doctor to get this hell-fetus out of me.

DOCTOR
You don’t want to do that. The devil spawn has already bonded to your soul. An abortion could kill you both. But probably just you.

NURSE
Yeah, you need an exorcist to get it out.

DOCTOR
Would you shut up?!

PATIENT
Then I’m going to a Catholic hospital, and I’m converting to whatever religion I have to to get the job done.

DOCTOR
You wouldn’t dare!

NURSE
She’s bluffing!

PATIENT
The hell I am. (sings) Jesus loves the little children–Ouch. All the children of the world–Augh! Jesus Christ!

DOCTOR
All right, you win, stop singing! Put the cross down. I’ll get you a wheelchair.

PATIENT
No, thanks, I’m not falling for the old possessed demon wheelchair trick. I’ll walk out of here under my own steam, thank you very much.

NURSE
I wish you wouldn’t. We just mopped.

DOCTOR
Would you shut up?! (to Patient) You’re free to go.

PATIENT
What? What aren’t you telling me? (sings) Amaaa-ziiing graaace…

DOCTOR
All right, all right! You were going to find out eventually anyway.

PATIENT
Find out what?

DOCTOR
Well, we thought you might be a reluctant bearer of the master’s spawn and try to escape. So we took precautions.

NURSE
It’s for your own safety. You shouldn’t be running around in your condition.

PATIENT
What kind of precautions?

DOCTOR
While we were removing your ovaries, and your spleen…

NURSE
(holds up another jar) And this, whatever this is.

DOCTOR
Clitoris.

PATIENT
Oh my God! Ow! Give me that!

NURSE
And while we were implanting the devil baby.

DOCTOR
We also decided to amputate your feet.

(The DOCTOR throws back the covers. The PATIENT’s legs are bloody stumps.)

PATIENT
(screams) Noooooo!

(The NURSE hands the PATIENT a jar of feet.)

NURSE
Here you go!

PATIENT
(screams louder) NOOOOOO!

END OF PLAY