Poona the Fuckdog

and other plays for children

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 1995

POONA THE FUCKDOG AND OTHER PLAYS FOR CHILDREN BY JEFF GOODE IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE PERFORMED, DOWNLOADED OR RETRANSMITTED WITHOUT THE AUTHOR'S PERMISSION.
     (Enter the Man Who Could Sell Anything with his assistant.)

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
And they lived happily ever after, all right folks, this is my assistant Sparky, and I want you to just
start callin' out those credit card numbers and Sparky'll take 'em down.  Now, what you're buying,
just call 'em out, what you're buying is in this box that we all saw earlier.  Now for the low, low,
low low price.  Of $19.95.  That's right, just $19.95.  You can own...
     (He opens the box.)
The official Poona the Fuckdog t-shirt.  Be the envy of your friends.  This shirt is not only a
cherished souvenir, but it's also trendy, hip, swank, and sexy.  Imagine lounging at home sipping
cognac wearing nothing but your Poona the Fuckdog t-shirt and a pair of fishnet stockings.  Or
ladies, the Fuckdog t-shirt, heels and a thong.  And not only is it the latest fashion craze.  But it's
also a collector's item.  How many have we sold so far?

     SPARKY
Four.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
With only four shirts in existence, you're sure to be the envy of your friends.

     FROG
Can I get one?

     (Frog goes to Sparky and buys a t-shirt.)

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
What are you doing?

     FROG
(confused:) Buying a t-shirt.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
You can't do that!

     FROG
What?  My money's not green?

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
I'm the villain of the piece!  I'm rampant consumerism.  I'm the evils of commercialism.

     FROG
Yeah, but I want a shirt.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
But that makes it look like it's okay.  I'm trying to trick these people out of their money.

     FROG
Well, so go ahead, but after you're done, I want one.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
But you only want this because it says, "Poona the Fuckdog" on it.  Do you know how stupid that
is?

     FROG
I know, but I really want one.  I collect them.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
Well, you can't have one.

     FROG
I was in the show, I think I should have one.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
But you don't need one.  It's junk merchandise.  You shouldn't support it.

     FROG
But it's not junk to me.  I really want it.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
It doesn't matter if you really want it, I'm trying to rip people off, and you shouldn't encourage
that, even in a play.

     FROG
But you're just pretending.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
That's not the point.  Okay, look, what if there's some guy on the street corner selling something
you really want--

     FROG
Like these t-shirts.

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
Okay, like these t-shirts.  But they're stolen.

     FROG
How do I know they're stolen?

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
Because he's selling them on the street corner!  And they're really cheap.

     FROG
Oo!  How much?

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
Really cheap.

     FROG
A dollar?

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
Yes, a dollar.

     FROG
There's a guy selling these t-shirts for a dollar??

     (The Frog is out the door.)

     THE MAN WHO COULD SELL ANYTHING
There is no hope for humanity.

     (He exits.)

     (Sparky still peers plaintively into the audience with his notepad ready.)


Next

[JeffNet / Calendar / Catalogue / READING ROOM / Stuff / Rights & Royalties]