Wedding Tribute
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2010

(Enter JEFF-PLAYED-BY-ADAM with a bag of groceries and ADAM-PLAYED-BY-FRANK.)

JEFF: Hey, Adam Hahn.

ADAM: Hey, Jeff Goode!

JEFF: Can you be in a No Shame piece for me?

ADAM: I thought you were going to ask Frank.

JEFF: Frank's gonna be in it, but he's in California, and we need to rehearse. This is too important to just wing it.

ADAM: Too important?

JEFF: It's a tribute piece I'm doing for the wedding. I got everything I'm gonna need. Shaving cream. Mayonnaise.

ADAM: Shaving cream?

JEFF: I'm gonna shave on stage.

ADAM: How is that a wedding tribute?

JEFF: Because Brian did that piece that one time where he shaved off his beard. Remember?

ADAM: I don't think I was around for that.

JEFF: Oh, well, it was awesome.

ADAM: Yeah, but how are you going to do that piece?

JEFF: Well, first I put on the shaving cream.

ADAM: No, I mean, how are you going to shave if you don't have a beard?

JEFF: I don't?

ADAM: You decided to shave it off at the beginning of summer.

JEFF: Oh, right. Well, that's okay, because I got it all figured out. Instead of shaving my face beard, I'm going to shave my "down-there" hair.

ADAM: Your "down-there" hair?

JEFF: Yeah. You know, my lady parts.

ADAM: You don't have lady parts.

JEFF: No, I know. But if I did… That's what I would shave.

ADAM: Um, okay, and that's going to be a tribute to Brian Rochlin somehow?

JEFF: No, but then I'm going to cover my entire body in mayonnaise.

ADAM: As a tribute to Brian Rochlin?

JEFF: Exactly.

ADAM: Because…?

JEFF: Because he's white. Get it?

ADAM: Jeff, you're white.

JEFF: Yeah, but I'm not like mayonnaise white.

ADAM: Neither is Brian.

JEFF: He's not?

ADAM: He's tanner than you!

JEFF: He is?

ADAM: He lived in Miami!

JEFF: Wait, so Brian's Cuban?

ADAM: No!

JEFF: So should I cover my body is salsa?

ADAM: He's not Cuban!

JEFF: Are you sure?

ADAM: And Cubans don't cover their bodies in salsa.

JEFF: So you mean I shaved for nothing???

ADAM: You haven't shaved yet.

JEFF: Well, there goes my Brian Rochlin tribute.

ADAM: Probably for the best.

JEFF: Now what am I gonna do?

ADAM: Have you thought about doing a Grace Lee tribute?

JEFF: Who?

ADAM: Grace Lee.

JEFF: Who??

ADAM: Grace Lee.

JEFF: It sounds like you're saying Grace Lee.

ADAM: I am. That's her name.

JEFF: Who's name?

ADAM: Brian's fiancée. The girl he's marrying.

JEFF: Her name is Grace?

ADAM: Yes.

JEFF: Grace Lee?

ADAM: Yes.

JEFF: So she's real?

ADAM: What? Of course she's real.

JEFF: No, that's cool. It's just when I heard he had a girlfriend, I just assumed, you know?

ADAM: Assumed what?

JEFF: That she was a euphemism.

ADAM: Euphemism for what?

JEFF: His lady parts.

ADAM: Oh, come on!

JEFF: You know, cuz he's always spending "quality time" with her. "Romantic outings".

ADAM: Okay, that's enough. You know Grace's family might be here tonight. Could you show a little respect?

JEFF: Grace's parents are real, too?

ADAM: Of course, they're real. They're all real.

JEFF: I'm gonna need more salsa.

ADAM: You don't need salsa!

JEFF: Hey! You disrespect their nuptials your way, and I'll do it mine!!

ADAM: You're not supposed to be disrespecting them!

JEFF: What?! Then why did they invite me?

ADAM: And how could you not think Grace was a real person?

JEFF: Are you kidding? Have you heard the way he talks about her? It's like she's awesome or something. Where's Brian gonna get a girl like that?

ADAM: California.

JEFF: Exactly. And we all know that's not how it works.

ADAM: Okay, but you've actually met Grace.

JEFF: I have?

ADAM: Many times.

JEFF: When?

ADAM: Who do you think that nice lady is that hangs out with Brian all the time and beats you at poker?

JEFF: That's Grace?

ADAM: Yes.

JEFF: I love her!

ADAM: Right.

JEFF: She's awesome.

ADAM: I know.

JEFF: She's going to be at the wedding?

ADAM: Jeff, she's the bride. She is the wedding.

JEFF: You say that now. But they haven't seen my No Shame piece.

(He sprays shaving cream into his pants.)

(He smiles victoriously.)

ADAM: Um… How many times are we going to rehearse this?

JEFF: Till you get it right.

(BLACKOUT)

First performed at Brian Rochlin & Grace Lee's Wedding No Shame at the Santa Monica Playhouse on July 16, 2010.

Performed by Adam Hahn and Frank Ensenberger.

[Back to Workshop]