Long & Hard & Full of Seamen
by Jeff Goode
(THREE PEOPLE on stage... LIGHTS UP FULL.)
ONE: Whats long and hard and full of seamen?
TWO: Annapolis.
ONE: What?
THREE: The naval academy at Annapolis.
ONE: No.
TWO: Its full of seamen.
ONE: Its not hard.
THREE: Have you been to the Naval Academy? Its hard. Dont tell me its not hard.
TWO: And long.
THREE: Seems like forever.
ONE: Its a submarine!
TWO: What?
ONE: A submarine.
THREE: Like a sandwich?
TWO: Thats not hard.
THREE: Not if you make em right. Should be soft.
TWO: Especially if its full of semen.
THREE: Oh, yeah, a semen sandwich would be totally soggy.
TWO: Hard to eat, I guess. Maybe thats what you meant. Whats long and hard-to-eat because its full of semen?
THREE: A semen sandwich, sure. That makes total sense.
TWO: But, wait, is it supposed to be long to eat, too?
THREE: You mean like, whats long-and-hard to eat?
TWO: Is that the question?
ONE: No!
THREE: Something you eat with a straw.
TWO: Pizza.
THREE: Yeah! Eating a semen pizza with a straw.
TWO: That would be long and hard.
THREE: Takes forever.
TWO: Not really full of semen, though.
THREE: Yeah, the semens kinda sitting on top.
TWO: So maybe a calzone.
THREE: Sperm calzone. Chock full of semen.
TWO: Hard to eat.
THREE: Takes a long time to eat.
TWO: But worth it.
THREE: Really?
TWO: Better be. You know how hard it is to make one of those?
THREE: So its hard to make and hard to eat.
TWO: Yet, tender and flaky.
THREE: High in protein.
TWO: So its good for you.
THREE: If youre low in protein.
TWO: Well, you would be by the time you finished making a semen calzone.
THREE: Good point.
TWO: So maybe the question should be: Whats long and hard
THREE: Yet tender and flaky.
TWO: High in protein.
THREE: Tastes like semen.
TWO: And so difficult to make that you can only get them in the mess hall at Annapolis Naval Academy?
THREE: (shrugs) I dunno.
(They turn to ONE.)
ONE: You guys are unbelievable.
(ONE gets up and storms out.)
THREE: He doesnt believe us.
TWO: Probably hasnt tried one.
(BLACKOUT)
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First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on March 18, 2005.