copyright © 2003 Jeff Goode

The Stone Gift
by Jeff Goode

(It’s Christmastime. LIVELY is seated at a table, holding a lumpy gift-wrapped present, gleefully awaiting the arrival of QUICK, who stomps in, covered in snow and slaps down a gift for LIVELY.)

QUICK. You are impossible to buy for, you know that?

LIVELY. (taken aback) Why? I like everything.

QUICK. That’s right! Because you like everything. You’re happy with whatever you get, so it’s impossible to tell if you really like something or not.

LIVELY. I really like everything.

QUICK. Now, see, you say that, but you’re just saying it. You say it every year.

LIVELY. Because it’s true.

QUICK. Okay, just-- Before you make me mad. --Just open it.


QUICK. Because this year I put a lot of thought into it, and I don’t care what you say, you’re not gonna spoil it for me, I got you the perfect present. It’s something you like. It’s something you need--

LIVELY. Is it ice cream?!

(QUICK is momentarily speechless.)

QUICK. No. …You don’t need ice cream.

LIVELY. Not now. But maybe later.

QUICK. It’s not ice cream!

LIVELY. (thrilled) It must be something really good then!

QUICK. You take all the fun, you know that?

LIVELY. (apologetically) I know.

QUICK. Just open it.

(LIVELY opens the present, eager at first, then crestfallen…)

LIVELY. Oh, it’s-- wow, it’s… so thoughtful.

QUICK. Thoughtful?! That’s it?? Don’t tell me it’s not perfect for you.

LIVELY. No, it is, it is. It’s just like the one I have.

QUICK. What!! You have one?! In orange?!

LIVELY. (trying to salvage) But now there's two, which is awesome.

QUICK. Why didn’t you tell me??

LIVELY. Well, I–

QUICK. God, you are impossible!

(QUICK slumps down at the table.)

LIVELY. I’m sorry.

QUICK. You’re not sorry. Shut up. Merry Christmas.

(Tense silence.)

LIVELY. I got you something.

QUICK. Oh. …God, I forgot. Now I feel like a bitch. Thank you.

LIVELY. (excited) Open it, open it, open it!

QUICK. All right, all right …

(QUICK unwraps the present from LIVELY.)

LIVELY. I hope you like it.

QUICK. It’s… (takes out a rock) It’s a rock.

LIVELY. It’s a stone.

QUICK. You got me a fucking rock!

LIVELY. Stone.

QUICK. For Christmas!!

LIVELY. It has sprinkles.

QUICK. What?

LIVELY. There’s glitter sprinkles on it.


LIVELY. To make it Christmasy.

QUICK. What the hell is wrong with you? You got me a sprinkly rock for Christmas? Are you out of your mind?

LIVELY. I thought you might like it.

QUICK. Why would I like this? It’s a rock! It’s a God damn rock!

LIVELY. With sprinkles.

QUICK. With God damn Christmas sprinkles on it. What could possibly make you think I could possibly want something like this?

LIVELY. Uh, well… (a little afraid to answer)

QUICK. Well?!

LIVELY. Well, you remember last year, when I got you that nice menorah for Christmas?

QUICK. I’m not Jewish.

LIVELY. And you punched me.

QUICK. I’m not Jewish! The menorah is for Hanukah. You don’t give people menorahs for Christmas unless they’re Jewish! And it’s Hanukah.

LIVELY. (reminding) And you punched me.

QUICK. I said I was sorry. And I took you out for Chinese food afterwards.

LIVELY. That was nice.

QUICK. You deserved it though.

LIVELY. And the year before that, you beat me with a whiffle ball bat.

QUICK. Because you got me a whiffle ball bat. I don’t play whiffle ball. Whiffle ball is your sport. You got me something for you to play with.

LIVELY. I thought we could play together.

QUICK. You don’t get somebody something they’re not going to use so you can force them to play with you for Christmas.

LIVELY. (ashamed) I know that now.

QUICK. I’m not sorry I beat you with that whiffle bat.

LIVELY. You said you were sorry.

QUICK. Yeah, well, I felt that way at the time, but now you’re making me not sorry. Now I wish I had a bat.

LIVELY. But you said you were sorry. And then we went for pizza.

(LIVELY basks in the memory of the pizza.)

QUICK. And that’s why you got me a rock--?

LIVELY. Stone.

QUICK. --To get back at me for beating you with the whiffle ball bat??

LIVELY. No. I got you the stone because you said you were sorry after, and we went for pizza.

(QUICK is completely beflabbergasted.)

QUICK. What?? So you got me a rock!! What were you thinking? What am I gonna do with this?

LIVELY. (cautiously) Well... Since it's Christmas, and it's tradition... I thought you might want to throw it at my head. (flinches a little) And then we’ll go for ice cream.

(QUICK, stunned, sits back down.)

QUICK. I hate you, you know that?

LIVELY. Yeh. But you hate me with sprinkles.


First performed at "No Shame Theatre's Frickin' Holiday Special... On Ice!" (Los Angeles) - December 19 2003.

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