Facial Bases for the Alligators
(TWO PEOPLE - one is trying to WORK, one is trying to READ.)
READER (reading:)
There's no... Is it pronounced "facial" or "factual"?
WORKER (not even looking:)
Factual.
READER
Facial bases.
WORKER
Factual! There's no factual basis!
READER
For the alligators.
WORKER
Allegations!
READER
That's how that's pronounced?
WORKER
Yes!!
READER (shrugs:)
Hmm... No facial bases for the--
WORKER
No factual basis for the allegations! There's no factual basis for the allegations!
READER (taking it slowly:)
For the...
WORKER
Allegations.
READER
Alli
WORKER
Allegations.
READER
Alligaa
WORKER
Allegations!
(Beat)
READER
...tors.
WORKER (trying to stay calm:)
There's no factual basis for the allegations.
READER
Saeed the defense attorney. I wonder where he's from?
(WORKER does not response for a long time, but finally...)
WORKER
Who?
READER
The defense attorney. Where's he from?
WORKER
I don't know.
READER
Maybe he's Arabic.
WORKER
I don't know. It doesn't say.
READER
He sounds Arabic. Saeed the defense attorney. It doesn't give a last name, though. Maybe it's to protect his identity.
(no response)
That's weird, though. It looks like there's a word missing. There's no facial bases for the alligators, Saeed the defense attorney...
(Expectant pause.)
WORKER
Said.
READER
Yeah, that's it! Saeed the defense attorney said. Or "reported". Saeed the defense attorney reported.
WORKER
It's "said".
READER
No, you're right, "said" is better.
WORKER
Said the defense attorney. No factual basis for the allegations SAID the defense attorney.
READER
"Said"?
WORKER
Yes.
READER
"Said the defense attorney"?
WORKER
Yesssss.
READER
I wonder where HE'S from.
WORKER
All right, fine!
READER
What?
WORKER
Give it to me.
READER
Why?
WORKER
Give it to me, I'll read it to you.
READER
What?
WORKER
Give it TO me, I will READ it TO you.
READER (coyly:)
No, that's okay. You're "busy".
First performed at No Shame Los Angeles on May 30, 2003.
Appears on an episode of The Darryl Winston Show.
Workshop]
