Days Ending In Y
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2011

(BLINK and SNIDE having a smoke break. PERI bounces in, bursting with energy.)

PERI
Yay, you guys! I'm so excited that you're here. This is gonna be so great!!

(PERI bounces on out.)

BLINK
Is she always like that?

SNIDE
Only on days that end in Y.

BLINK
Days that end the Y?

SNIDE
Yeah. Otherwise she's completely suicidal.

BLINK
Wow.

SNIDE
I know. I think it's a condition.

BLINK
So not on Christmas.

SNIDE
What?

BLINK
Or Thanksgiving. Cuz that ends in a G.

SNIDE
Right, but…

BLINK
Do you think it could be seasonal depressive disorder?

SNIDE
Izza wha?

BLINK
You know, like, is it the weather in general, or is it just the holidays that makes her suicidal? Some people get that. Like at Christmastime when the suicide rate shoots up because it doesn't end in a Y. No pun intended.

SNIDE
That wasn't a pun.

BLINK
Shooting up? (mimes gun battle) Pkow! Pkow! Pkow! Cuz it wouldn't be that, it'd be more like this. (puts mime gun to head) Blauw! (dying melodramatically) Oh, why did it have to be New Years!

SNIDE
New Years Day ends in a Y.

BLINK
Who cares about New Years Day? You really want to be happy when you're hungover? New Year's Eve is where the action's at. Oh my God. She's got to be the worst at parties. (Beat.) Or the best! 3…2…1…Blauw! Happy New Year!—You know what? I'm inviting her this year.

SNIDE
What?

BLINK
I think if we fenced her off it'll be okay. Then everybody could watch.

SNIDE
You're sick.

BLINK
Well, clearly, that makes two of us.

SNIDE
Okay, look, this is not a real condition.

BLINK
Well, no. Obviously, it's gotta be completely psychology. I mean, who gets depressed at Easter? Everything's pink and pastel and there's bunnies! If you cannot hug a bunny and make it through to Monday, then there is something seriously beyond chemical wrong with you.

SNIDE
There's something seriously beyond institutional wrong with you.

BLINK
Hey, I'm not the one who goes ballistic over spelling.

SNIDE
I never said she was ballistic.

BLINK
Not today! Cuz it's Friday. But what happens on the 4th of July?

SNIDE
Fourth of July ends in a Y.

BLINK
Oh, thank God. Then we're safe. Cuz that's a lot of pyrotechnics just sittin' around waiting for something to happen.

SNIDE
Oh, boy…

BLINK
She's not Jewish is she? Cuz Passover's gotta be hell. I mean, the food is depressing enough already, but if you're gonna be gun-show crazy, to boot—Holy shit—It won't just be the herbs that are bitter.

SNIDE
You have to stop.

BLINK
Oh my God, we forgot about Ramadan! If she's one of those people that celebrates Ramadan, this could be 9/11 all over again.

SNIDE
Okay, that's enough. She's not a terrorist.

BLINK
(horribly offended) Oh my God! What is wrong with you? I never said they were terrorists. (diplomatically) Just a bunch of very disturbed young men who all happened to take a trip on a day that ended in N.

(PERI bounces back in.)

PERI
Yay! I'm back! Are you excited? I'm so excited! This is gonna be super awesome!

BLINK
Stay away from me, you crazy bitch! Back off! Back off!

PERI
What's wrong? Why are you yelling?

BLINK
What day it is?! WHAT DAY IS IT!!

PERI
What day?

BLINK
Tell me what fucking day it is, you freak! You monster!

SNIDE
Um…

PERI
It's the 22nd…

BLINK
NOOOOO! (shoots herself in the head:) BLAUW!! (and dies)

PERI
Is she always like this?

SNIDE
Only on days that end in ordinal numbers.

First performed at No Shame Roanoke on July 22, 2011 by Michele Ullian, Jeff Goode, Brett Neveu

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