copyright © 2011 Jeff Goode

Black and White
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2011

(Two DEBATERS – BLACK and WHITE. Upstage center, THIRD PARTY stands silently watching. Occasionally "oohs" or "ahhs".)

BLACK
Listening to the proposed solutions that my opponent has suggested… one has to wonder if they are not un-American.

WHITE
Are you calling me un-American?

BLACK
No. …But one has to wonder.

WHITE
Listening to my opponent's so-called "suggestions", one has to wonder if the founding fathers are not turning over in their graves. Developing bed-spins and vomiting into their sealed coffins.

BLACK
My opponent's so-called "solution" calls to mind the "solution" of a like-minded problem-solver named Adolph Hitler.

WHITE
My opponent cannot be considered "Christian" in any sense of the word.

BLACK
My opponent hates America almost as much as he hates the baby Jesus.

WHITE
My opponent had sex with the baby Jesus and then told him not to tell anyone or he would "get it".

BLACK
My opponent is a Muslim. (before opponent can speak:) Or a Muslim sympathizer. Or has read the Koran. Or has some vague idea what Islam is, or has met one.

WHITE
My opponent intends to impose Sharia law in this country. And every other country in the world, except for the Muslim countries where he intends to impose Christian Sharia law, and the Moon where he intends to impose Martian law!

BLACK
What about Mars?

WHITE
Lunar law!

BLACK
My opponent is certifiably insane. And I have in my possession legal documents that prove it.

WHITE
The document in my opponent's possession is a certificate of lunacy and NOT a certificate of insanity, therefore my opponent is a pathological liar and should be brought up on charges of perjury any time he or she speaks in public.

BLACK
Are you calling me a woman?

WHITE
No. …But one has to wonder.

BLACK
My opponent has an agenda. And I will not call it "gay". Because that would make it sound too happy.

WHITE
My opponent's agenda is totally gay. And it is a Muslim.

BLACK
My opponent is about as masculine as a Christian televangelist. And as Christian as a male prostitute. Whose name is Tinkerbell!

WHITE
His name is Lester! Tinkerbell is his stage name!!

BLACK
My opponent—

WHITE
(interrupting:) My opponent interrupts when others are talking!!!

BLACK
My opponent—

WHITE
(interrupting:) Like this!

BLACK
My opponent—

WHITE
(interrupting:) And this!

BLACK
My opponent—

WHITE
(interrupting:) And this!

(Simmering silence.)

BLACK
My—AND THIS!!

WHITE
(interrupting:) AND THIS!!

BLACK
Jinx! Buy me a coke! (punches opponent in the arm)

(Simmering silence.)

BLACK
My opponent has single-handedly raised the pitch of partisan rancor in this country to a level that is so high that when he shits, eagles turn on their windshield wipers.

WHITE
My opponent hunts American Eagles from a helicopter.

BLACK
My opponent is too stupid to know that you don't hunt eagles from a helicopter.

WHITE
My opponent knows the proper way to hunt American Bald Eagles and uses those techniques to hunt and kill single women.

BLACK
My opponent desires the death of every living American man, woman and child. And the dead ones he desires to make love to.

WHITE
My opponent has already made love to you, and your dead relatives, without your consent, but you didn't know it because he smuggled roofies in from Canada to knock you out. And that's why your butt hurts.

BLACK
My opponent's butt hurts from talking out of it.

WHITE
My opponent's butt wouldn't know its ass from his face if it bit him on the behind!

BLACK
My ass or my face?

WHITE
You see?! He doesn't know the difference!!!

BLACK
My opponent—

(THIRD PARTY puts a gun to one of their heads and blows their brains out.)

THIRD PARTY
Blam!!

(Stunned silence.)
(THIRD PARTY shoots the dead 75 more times.)

THIRD PARTY
Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!! Blame!!

(Stunned silence.)

THIRD PARTY
What???

BLACKOUT
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

First performed at No Shame Roanoke on July 29, 2011 by Todd Ristau, Jeff Goode, Samantha Macher


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