I would like to thank the Academy
For this lifetime achievement award.
I’d like to think this is an acknowledgement of my 300 films,
But more than likely, it’s your way of thanking me
For building the new Kodak Theatre/Art Museum & Cyber Café
in Beirut.

I am sorry that I cannot be with you there in person,
But I had to be here in Sweden tonight
To accept the Nobel Prize in Medicine
For helping to develop the battery-operated emergency resuscitator.

I am grateful to the Swedes for rescheduling their ceremony
So that I could accept both awards on the same night, because,
As most of you know,
I only have 15 minutes to live.

I know it’s not like me to be so pessimistic about my prognosis,
But I’m pretty sure it’s going to be 15 minutes, because,
As the Wall Street Journal reported,
I passed away 3 weeks ago,
And I’m only appearing before you tonight
Thanks to the emergency resuscitator.
Which, unfortunately, has a battery charge of exactly 15 minutes.
(So please hold your applause till I’m dead.)

Perhaps my daughter will design a better battery pack
When she gets back from space.
But I guess that’s my own fault for suggesting
That she attend the upcoming Renaissance Weekénd,
And for offering to host it
At the International Peace Station on Mars.
(But I thought it would be fun to have it somewhere with a thinner atmosphere than Park City.)

I have already thanked my lovely wife, and my lovely agent.
But I would be remiss if I did not also thank
All the amazing people I’ve met at Renaissance,
Over the last 125 years,
For reminding me that
Throughout history,
The first, and most important step
In achieving the impossible
Is daring to have the ambition to do so.

I guess I’d better go now.
There’s about 12 minutes left on this battery.

…and I’ve still got a lot to do.