Not that we actually care about such tawdry things, being far more interested in economic policy and, of course, education, but, hey, what a mess up there, huh?

You know. The stuff - the endless dish -we've been getting on "The Eight" on those cable shows that none of us admit to watching yet all of us know are so tacky. The shows always playing in the background of contemporary pop culture, whose sordid "revelations" we recite by heart and provide the fodder for a thousand jokes. (You know, like the one about the big guy and all his "ho-ho-hos" and the workers "playing all their reindeer games.")

It's hard to turn your head away.

Man, what a mess! The North Pole's divided into factions as fractious as any of those countries whose names end in "stan," either pledging fealty to that jolly old saint who brings so much joy to the world, or determined to bring down a white-bearded, red-coated warlord, whose appetite for drink and carnal pleasures are legendary. At least since the allegations hit the tabloids.

But who do you believe? Dasher? He obviously has a personal ax to grind. He's led the team from the beginning - except for that one year - and is bitter because the kid with the nose so bright went down in history. (Really sad story about Rudie, eh? They say he's in a walking coma, catatonic. Think he'll ever recover? Doesn't look good.)

Do you trust Cupid, the only openly gay reindeer (he says there are others, but he's not naming names) when he talks about the big man's "freaky" sex life? He's obviously got some issues he needs to work on.

Prancer? That deer is so wrapped up in himself that you can't believe anything he says. The fact that he now calls himself "Hollywood" says it all.

What about Blitzen? She comes right out with it. The man with the red hat and trim is more dangerous than a guy with a black shirt and collar. She says he did it, that the tales are true. But she's got an agenda too - leading a revolt against the working conditions up there, which doesn't necessarily mean that she's lying, but kinda makes you wonder.

Comet, the big guy's most vocal supporter, says Blitzen's part of the "gay camp." But his attacks sound more political than anything. Any woman who refuses to submit to male authority is a, well, you know ... Besides he's got issues of his own, being in recovery for a while now, and Claus is the guy who saved him after the liquor store holdup. Long story, that.

And Vixen? She's the big "get," the one Barbara and Connie and that whole crowd of "respectable" journalists have been chasing for months now. She knows if it's true, but she's not talking. Yet.

Poor broken Rudie, too, another victim of the big man, if you believe the stories and a witness to the what is being called "most sordid event" in the apparently very colorful history of the North Pole. He'll have his say. Later.

Welcome to the strange, twisted and utterly iconoclastic world of "The Eight: The Reindeer Monologues," the Jeff Goode play being staged by Independent Submarine at the Actors Studio in Newburyport.

It's a gut-bustingly funny - and completely outrageous - show that skewers the media - which is to say its borderline psychotic obsession with sex and celebrity, and its apparently endless appetite for dirt and sordid tales of depravity from the beautiful people and the temporarily, Warholian famous.

And, of course, everybody involved with the show - from director John Sefel to producer Gregory S. Moss to an incredibly talented casts that includes Nikole Beckwith, who plays Vixen, the reindeer at the center of the story - will surely burn in hell. No, no, no. That was that loudmouth Bill O'Reilly in the background. Or was it some outraged guest on "Larry King Live"?

This production, which is most definitely not for kids and should not be missed by adults, is shocking in a way theater rarely is these days.

Some of the dialogue will leave you shaking your head, saying, "Man, I can't believe they actually said that." At other times, the show will have you holding your breath as it delves into serious stuff. And this is important. The show, which runs through Dec. 22, provides as much light as it does heat. It sets up a scenario so completely absurd - that Christmas is threatened because Santa is accused of raping one of his loyal workers, a reindeer - that you are able to get past the specifics and focus on the issue.

The production makes its point. At the same time, it also lets you know that, when all is said and done, that there is a real victim at the heart of all these little furors. We'll move on to the next sensation, but the victim will remain, her life in ruins. Maybe she'll end up in the pages of Playboy, maybe she'll box somebody on television for our amusement - and to the accompaniment of our cheap jokes.

Whoops. Gotta go. It's prime time. Vixen is on "ET." Or is it "True Hollywood Story"? It's all a blur. You know, it's not that there's100 channels and nothing on. It's that there are 100 channels and the same thing is on. So, what are you watching?

If you go: The Independent Submarine production of "The Eight: The Reindeer Monologues" runs through Dec. 22 at the Actors Studio, at the Tannery in Newburyport.