MIKE Welcome to No Shame's Second Annual "Summer Movie Preview". JEFF With Mike and Jeff. MIKE Yeah, I think people got that. JEFF You never know. Movie audiences today are so stupid. MIKE Really? I have no experience with that whatsoever. JEFF That's because I'm the one who always sees the movies. MIKE Right. Anyway, the season's first major film came out today. It's called "Mr. And Mrs. Smith", and it stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as two married assassins who have been ordered to kill each other. JEFF Man, they made that movie fast. MIKE Actually, the film took over a year to shoot and had to be delayed several times because of numerous re-writes. JEFF Really? But they just broke up in February. MIKE Who did? JEFF Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. They broke up because he hooked up with Angelina Jolie, so they made this movie to tell his side of the story. MIKE What? No, they got together while the movie was being made. JEFF How do you know? Were you there? MIKE No... JEFF Then maybe you shouldn't gossip. How would you like it if everyone thought you were dating Angelina Jolie. MIKE I'd like that quite a bit, actually. JEFF You would. Homewrecker. MIKE On June 15th we have "Batman Begins". JEFF Begins to what? MIKE It's Batman's origin story. How Batman...you know, begins. JEFF I thought Batman was created when the Joker killed his parents and Bruce Wayne got all depressed and took a bunch of pills and crawled into the Batcave to die, only he heard God calling out to him and he didn't know how he got out. MIKE That happened to Johnny Cash, not Batman. Anyway, he can have any kind of origin story. He's a fictional character. JEFF Johnny Cash isn't fictional. MIKE I know Johnny Cash isn't fictional! JEFF Then how come you said he lived in the Batcave? MIKE He doesn't. He didn't. The Batcave doesn't exist. JEFF Then how did Johnny Cash crawl into it? MIKE He didn't! There's more than one cave in the world. JEFF But none of them are as cool as the Batcave. MIKE Yes. I know. Anyway, on June 29th we have "War Of the Worlds", the epic remake of the classic novel directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Cruise. JEFF Dude, I heard this totally whacked rumor about Tom Cruise. MIKE Shut up! Do you want him to sue us? JEFF He'd sue us? MIKE He'll sue anyone who even mentions it. He's insane about it. JEFF Really? It's totally obvious though. MIKE I'm not having this conversation. JEFF Seriously, just look at him and you can tell it's true. Not that it matters. He's still cool. But it really takes away from his leading man image, know he's...you know, that way. MIKE (to audience) I am in no way responsible for what Jeff says. JEFF I heard he has to stand on boxes when he does scenes with normal people. Isn't that weird? MIKE What? JEFF Yeah, you didn't know? Tom Cruise is short! He's like 5'2. MIKE Everybody knows that. JEFF Then why does he get so freaked out about people saying it? MIKE That's not what he gets freaked out about. JEFF Then what is it? MIKE Ask me again sometime. Next is the superhero epic "Fantastic Four". JEFF God, I hate golf movies. MIKE Golf movies? (pauses, gets it) No, you idiot! It's "four" F-O-U-R. Not "fore" as in "FORE!" JEFF I know that. I'm just saying, I hate movies about golf. They're all so boring. Did you think I meant "Fantastic Four" is actually a movie about superheroes playing golf? Because that might actually be cool... MIKE No, it wouldn't be cool. It would be awful. JEFF Just like those rumors you're spreading about Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. MIKE No much worse. On July 15th, Tim Burton gives us his version of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". JEFF I'm just shocked they're making that. MIKE I know, the original is so perfect. JEFF And who wants to see the Viet Cong running a candy factory? MIKE VIET CONG? JEFF "Charlie", Mike. That's what we called those bastards back when I was in the shit. MIKE You were not in the shit! JEFF I was too in the shit! MIKE ...actually, it would explain quite a bit. JEFF I just think it's a gutsy movie to make while we're at war. MIKE It's a gutsy movie to make because people loved the original, not because it's about the Viet Cong running a candy factory! JEFF I'm sure that's just a metaphor for, you know, something. MIKE Like brain damage, for example. On July 22nd we have "The Island" staring Ewan McGregor as a clone on the run. JEFF Is...? MIKE He's not Obi-Wan Kenobi and he's not on the run from Clone Troopers! Is that what you were going to ask? JEFF No! Noooo! (pause) Yeah. MIKE On July 29th, Oscar winner Jamie Foxx stars in "Stealth", about the crew of a super-secret invisible bomber. JEFF So Jamie Foxx goes from playing a guy who can't see, to a guy who can't be seen? And from a guy driving a cab to a guy driving an airplane? That's just the definition of ironic. MIKE No, it really isn't. JEFF Hmmm. So what's the deal with Tom Cruise? If everyone knows he's short, what does he get so freaked out about? MIKE You really want to know? JEFF More than anything. MIKE OK, I'll whisper it to you so they can't hear. MIKE whispers in JEFF's ear. JEFF No way! MIKE Yep. JEFF He thinks he's possessed by dead aliens? MIKE Yep. JEFF Wow. That really is fucked up. BLACKOUT |
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