MIKE
            Welcome to No Shame's Second Annual "Summer Movie Preview".

                                   JEFF
            With Mike and Jeff.

                                   MIKE
            Yeah, I think people got that.

                                   JEFF
            You never know. Movie audiences today are so stupid.

                                   MIKE
            Really? I have no experience with that whatsoever.

                                   JEFF
            That's because I'm the one who always sees the movies.

                                   MIKE
            Right. Anyway, the season's first major film came out today.
            It's called "Mr. And Mrs. Smith", and it stars Brad Pitt and
            Angelina Jolie as two married assassins who have been ordered
            to kill each other.

                                   JEFF
            Man, they made that movie fast.

                                   MIKE
            Actually, the film took over a year to shoot and had to be
            delayed several times because of numerous re-writes.

                                   JEFF
            Really? But they just broke up in February. 

                                   MIKE
            Who did?

                                   JEFF
            Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. They broke up because he
            hooked up with Angelina Jolie, so they made this movie to
            tell his side of the story.

                                   MIKE
            What? No, they got together while the movie was being made.

                                   JEFF
            How do you know? Were you there?

                                   MIKE
            No...

                                   JEFF
            Then maybe you shouldn't gossip. How would you like it if
            everyone thought you were dating Angelina Jolie.

                                   MIKE
            I'd like that quite a bit, actually.

                                   JEFF
            You would. Homewrecker.

                                   MIKE
            On June 15th we have "Batman Begins". 

                                   JEFF
            Begins to what?

                                   MIKE
            It's Batman's origin story. How Batman...you know, begins.

                                   JEFF
            I thought Batman was created when the Joker killed his
            parents and Bruce Wayne got all depressed and took a bunch of
            pills and crawled into the Batcave to die, only he heard God
            calling out to him and he didn't know how he got out.

                                   MIKE
            That happened to Johnny Cash, not Batman. Anyway, he can have
            any kind of origin story. He's a fictional character.

                                   JEFF
            Johnny Cash isn't fictional. 

                                   MIKE
            I know Johnny Cash isn't fictional!

                                   JEFF
            Then how come you said he lived in the Batcave?

                                   MIKE
            He doesn't. He didn't. The Batcave doesn't exist.

                                   JEFF
            Then how did Johnny Cash crawl into it?

                                   MIKE
            He didn't! There's more than one cave in the world.

                                   JEFF
            But none of them are as cool as the Batcave.

                                   MIKE
            Yes. I know. Anyway, on June 29th we have "War Of the
            Worlds", the epic remake of the classic novel directed by
            Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Cruise.

                                   JEFF
            Dude, I heard this totally whacked rumor about Tom Cruise.

                                   MIKE
            Shut up! Do you want him to sue us?

                                   JEFF
            He'd sue us?

                                   MIKE
            He'll sue anyone who even mentions it. He's insane about it.

                                   JEFF
            Really? It's totally obvious though.

                                   MIKE
            I'm not having this conversation.

                                   JEFF
            Seriously, just look at him and you can tell it's true. Not
            that it matters. He's still cool. But it really takes away
            from his leading man image, know he's...you know, that way.

                                   MIKE
                          (to audience)
            I am in no way responsible for what Jeff says.

                                   JEFF
            I heard he has to stand on boxes when he does scenes with
            normal people. Isn't that weird?

                                   MIKE
            What?

                                   JEFF
            Yeah, you didn't know? Tom Cruise is short! He's like 5'2.

                                   MIKE
            Everybody knows that.

                                   JEFF
            Then why does he get so freaked out about people saying it?

                                   MIKE
            That's not what he gets freaked out about.

                                   JEFF
            Then what is it?

                                   MIKE
            Ask me again sometime. Next is the superhero epic "Fantastic
            Four".

                                   JEFF
            God, I hate golf movies.

                                   MIKE
            Golf movies?
                          (pauses, gets it)
            No, you idiot! It's "four" F-O-U-R. Not "fore" as in "FORE!"

                                   JEFF
            I know that. I'm just saying, I hate movies about golf.
            They're all so boring. Did you think I meant "Fantastic Four"
            is actually a movie about superheroes playing golf? Because
            that might actually be cool...

                                   MIKE
            No, it wouldn't be cool. It would be awful. 

                                   JEFF
            Just like those rumors you're spreading about Brad Pitt and
            Tom Cruise. 

                                   MIKE
            No much worse. On July 15th, Tim Burton gives us his version
            of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".

                                   JEFF
            I'm just shocked they're making that. 

                                   MIKE
            I know, the original is so perfect.

                                   JEFF
            And who wants to see the Viet Cong running a candy factory?

                                   MIKE
            VIET CONG?

                                   JEFF
            "Charlie", Mike. That's what we called those bastards back
            when I was in the shit.

                                   MIKE
            You were not in the shit!

                                   JEFF
            I was too in the shit!

                                   MIKE
            ...actually, it would explain quite a bit.

                                   JEFF
            I just think it's a gutsy movie to make while we're at war.

                                   MIKE
            It's a gutsy movie to make because people loved the original,
            not because it's about the Viet Cong running a candy factory! 

                                   JEFF
            I'm sure that's just a metaphor for, you know, something.

                                   MIKE
            Like brain damage, for example. On July 22nd we have "The
            Island" staring Ewan McGregor as a clone on the run.

                                   JEFF
            Is...?

                                   MIKE
            He's not Obi-Wan Kenobi and he's not on the run from Clone
            Troopers! Is that what you were going to ask?

                                   JEFF
            No! Noooo!
                          (pause)
            Yeah.

                                   MIKE
            On July 29th, Oscar winner Jamie Foxx stars in "Stealth",
            about the crew of a super-secret invisible bomber.

                                   JEFF
            So Jamie Foxx goes from playing a guy who can't see, to a guy
            who can't be seen? And from a guy driving a cab to a guy
            driving an airplane? That's just the definition of ironic.

                                   MIKE
            No, it really isn't. 

                                   JEFF
            Hmmm. So what's the deal with Tom Cruise? If everyone knows
            he's short, what does he get so freaked out about?

                                   MIKE
            You really want to know?

                                   JEFF
            More than anything.

                                   MIKE
            OK, I'll whisper it to you so they can't hear.

                                   MIKE whispers in JEFF's ear.

                                   JEFF
            No way!

                                   MIKE
            Yep.

                                   JEFF
            He thinks he's possessed by dead aliens?

                                   MIKE
            Yep.

                                   JEFF
            Wow. That really is fucked up. 

                                   BLACKOUT