JEFF
            So guess what I got?

                                   MIKE
            The clap?

                                   JEFF
            Even better. I got a DVD copy of the pilot for the new Star
            Wars Network.

                                   MIKE
            The what?

                                   JEFF
            The all Star Wars TV Network. Now that George Lucas has
            finally finished the sixtology he's going to explore his last
            unconquered medium: television. 

                                   MIKE
            A whole network devoted to nothing but Star Wars? What, are
            they gonna show the movies all day? I don't understand.

                                   JEFF
            No, it's all different kinds of shows set in the Star Wars
            universe, playing all day long. All Star Wars, all the time.

                                   MIKE
            24 hours of original programming? How is that even possible?

                                   JEFF
            You obviously haven't seen the DVD of the pilot.

                                   MIKE
            Since this is the first I've heard of it, obviously not.

                                   JEFF
            The first show I saw is a day in the life of a Wookie family.
            It's them cooking and cleaning and doing domestic Wookie
            stuff. And it's all in Shyriiwook!

                                   MIKE
            Uh, what?

                                   JEFF
            Wookie language, duh.

                                   MIKE
            So it's just Wookies doing dishes, and it's not in English.

                                   JEFF
            And there's no subtitles.

                                   MIKE
            I can't imagine how that won't be a hit.

                                   JEFF
            In the first episode, there was a guest appearance by this
            android who has four arms and makes Bantha rump roast. I bet
            Martha Stewart can't make Bantha rump roast. 

                                   MIKE
            Since Banthas aren't real, I'm guessing she can't...

                                   JEFF
            Then there was a performing arts program that had all these
            holographic dancers jumping around and waving ribbons. I
            think it was called "Soul Train Kashyyyk."

                                   MIKE
            Right.

                                   JEFF
            I think the best was an animated series featuring Boba Fett,
            which was weird because I thought he fell into the Sarlac
            pit, but it could have been one of the other clones that just
            looked like him and had the same voice. 

                                   MIKE
            But how could it be Boba Fett if he was younger than the
            other clones...no, wait, I don't care.

                                   JEFF
            Oh, and there's all these music videos. It's so refreshing to
            see music videos back on TV again!

                                   MIKE
            Star Wars music videos?

                                   JEFF
            Oh yeah. Jefferson Starship, Diahann Carroll, Bea Arthur...

                                   MIKE
            Bea Arthur??? In a music video? On a Star Wars channel?

                                   JEFF
            Plus there was a documentary about Wookie holidays. Did you
            know on Kashyyyk, they have a holiday called Life Day? And
            you burn candles and wear red robes and exchange gifts. I
            wish we had something like that on Earth.

                                   MIKE
            We do! It's called "Christmas!"

                                   JEFF
            What are you talking about? 

                                   MIKE
            You bought a bootleg copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special. 

                                   JEFF
            Star Wars Holiday Special? There's no such thing.

                                   MIKE
            Then how come Christmas and Life Day have the exact same
            customs?

                                   JEFF
            Oh I get it. You're one of those anti-Life Day liberals. You
            want to take Life Day away from us!

                                   MIKE
            Life Day doesn't exist.

                                   JEFF
            Then why did Han Solo take Chewie back to Kashyyyk to
            celebrate it?

                                   MIKE
            He didn't! Han Solo doesn't exist! Chewie doesn't exist!
            Kashyyyk doesn't exist!

                                   JEFF
            Now you're just talking crazy.

                                   MIKE
            Look, Lucas just made up Life Day as a way to cash in on Star
            Wars being so popular at Christmas. He wrote a script for a
            Christmas themed special where Chewbacca would go to Kashyyyk
            to celebrate Life Day with his parents.

                                   JEFF
            Then why did it have cooking shows and music videos?

                                   MIKE
            Lucas had to leave the show to start working on Empire, so
            his script got hacked up and turned in a holiday themed
            variety show with cartoons and bands.

                                   JEFF
            So you HAVE seen it!

                                   MIKE
            I've seen the Holiday Special. It's awful. It's the most
            godawful thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Cinderella Man. 

                                   JEFF
            I won't sit here and listen to you defame George Lucas.

                                   MIKE
            Lucas hates it. He said if he could, he'd track down every
            copy of it and smash them with a hammer.

                                   JEFF
            I don't know what you're talking about. 

                                   MIKE
            You watched it. Didn't it suck? Wasn't it boring and stupid
            and lame and badly written and badly acted and BORING?

                                   JEFF
                          (thinks about it)
            Well...some of it was kind of dull. But the ending was
            awesome! Luke Skywalker flew into the Death Star and blew it
            up, just like in Star Wars!

                                   MIKE
            It was Star Wars! The last ten minutes of the Holiday Special
            is just a montage of scenes from Star Wars! 

                                   JEFF
            I wasn't paying attention by then. I was too busy wrapping
            gifts for Life Day. You wanted the Cinderella Man DVD, right?

                                   MIKE
            No. How did you even get a copy of the Holiday Special? It
            was never officially released.

                                   JEFF
            I bought it on craigslist.

                                   MIKE
            You didn't pay a lot for it, did you?

                                   JEFF
            Is 180 dollars a lot?

                                   Mike shakes his head in disdain.

                                   JEFF
            Happy Life Day!

                                   MIKE
            Shut up.

                                   BLACKOUT