The Guardian

written by Mike Rothschild

 
                                   JEFF
            So I saw that new movie "The Guardian" and it is not what I
            expected at all.

                                   MIKE
            What'd you expect? I mean, you saw the trailer. You knew it
            was a movie about a Coast Guard trainee, right? 

                                   JEFF
            Oh yeah. There's storms and boats and Ashton Kutcher looking
            all heroic, and it was really exciting.

                                   MIKE
            So what actually happened in the movie?

                                   JEFF
            There were storms and boats and Ashton Kutcher looking all
            heroic, and it was really exciting.

                                   MIKE
            So everything that happened in the trailer happened in the
            movie, yet it wasn't what you expected. How is that possible?

                                   JEFF
            It's an Ashton Kutcher movie, I figured I was getting punked!

                                   MIKE
            I don't think Ashton Kutcher would spend the millions of
            dollars it takes to make a movie just to punk you. 

                                   JEFF
            He might. The best time to punk someone is when they don't
            think they're going to get punked, or when you think you're
            going to get punked and someone else gets punked.

                                   MIKE
            Please stop using "punk" as a verb. Look, Ashton Kutcher is
            trying to establish a reputation as a serious actor. He
            doesn't want to be the doofus from "That '70s Show" anymore. 

                                   JEFF
            See, that's just it. I figured since Ashton Kutcher isn't a
            serious actor, the movie would have to be really funny. Then
            I saw all the water and the boats and helicopters and Ashton
            Kutcher acting all serious and yelling about stuff, and I
            figured out what the non-punking version of the movie was.

                                   MIKE
            And that was...?

                                   JEFF
            "Dude, Where's My Boat?"

                                   MIKE
            What?

                                   JEFF
            Think about it!

                                   MIKE
            Do I have to?

                                   JEFF
            Ashton Kutcher found his car in "Dude, Where's My Car?" So to
            make the sequel even bigger, they have him lose his boat!

                                   MIKE
            Ok...

                                   JEFF
            But they can't get Stiffler to be in it with him, because
            he's too depressed from being dumped by Katie Holmes and
            having her baby look exactly like him.

                                   MIKE
            That wasn't Stiffler, that was...never mind, please go on.

                                   JEFF
            So Ashton Kutcher needs to find his boat, so he hires Dances
            With Wolves, because he's got such good tracking skills from
            hanging out with Indians.

                                   MIKE
            I just can't begin to tell you how many things are wrong with
            that. Dances With Wolves is a character played by Kevin
            Costner, who IS in "The Guardian." And Kevin Costner does not
            have good tracking skills. If you truly needed to find
            something, Kevin Costner would NOT be the person I'd hire.

                                   JEFF
            I can totally understand why Ashton Kutcher would want him to
            help find his boat. He's always finding stuff and getting to
            the bottom of stuff, like in that "JFK" movie. It's like
            "Dude, where's my boat?" "Back and to the left." "Dude,
            where's my boat?" "Back and to the left." "Dude, where's my
            boat?" "Back and to the left." They'd it in five minutes.

                                   MIKE
            It wouldn't be much of a movie, then.

                                   JEFF
            I told you, it wasn't what I expected. Maybe Dances With
            Wolves needs to get back to his Indian roots. 

                                   MIKE
            And you don't call them "Indians" anymore. They prefer to be
            called Native Americans. 

                                   JEFF
            Well, yeah. I think that's implied.

                                   MIKE
            What do you mean?

                                   JEFF
            Of course Indians are Native Americans. They were born here,
            just like us.

                                   MIKE
            No, they're not just like us. They're FROM here.

                                   JEFF
            Me too. I was born in Iowa.

                                   MIKE
            They're not from here, they're FROM HERE. As in "born in
            America." They originated in America.

                                   JEFF
            Me too. I was born in Iowa.

                                   MIKE
            They're originated in America! They settled here before our
            ancestors did. If you go back far enough, we aren't actually
            native Americans.

                                   JEFF
            I don't understand. Are you Canadian?

                                   MIKE
            No.

                                   JEFF
            Because that would explain a lot.

                                   MIKE
            I'm not Canadian. I'm American, but I'm not a Native
            American.

                                   JEFF
            So you're a native American, but you're not a Native
            American, but you're still American and Indians aren't from
            India, they're from America? I get it. You're punking me.

                                   MIKE
            I'm not punking you!

                                   JEFF
            Yeah you are. Turn the camera off, I don't want to be
            humiliated in front of my friends.

                                   MIKE
            Yeah, there's no danger of that. Look, just don't call them
            Indians. And Kevin Costner is not a Native American and
            Ashton Kutcher is not looking for his boat.

                                   JEFF
            I think I understand.

                                   MIKE
            Thank God.

                                   JEFF
            So if Kevin Costner doesn't have good tracking skill, how do
            you think his buffalo hunting skills are?

                                   MIKE
            Subpar, at best.

                                   BLACKOUT

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