MIKE
            You know, Jeff, I saw a lot of movies this summer. Some were
            good, most of them weren't. But there was one movie that
            reminded me so much of you that I just had to tell you about
            it. But if I do, you might be insulted.

                                   JEFF
            Oooh, don't tell me, I want to guess. Was it "Fantastic Four"
            because I'm so fantastic?

                                   MIKE
            Uh, no.

                                   JEFF
            Ok, was it "The Island" because I'm an island unto myself?

                                   MIKE
            Definitely not.

                                   JEFF
            "Crash?" Was it "Crash?" I bet it was "Crash."

                                   MIKE
            No, it wasn't "Crash." It was "The 40 Year Old Virgin."

                                   JEFF
            What?? "The 40 Year Old Virgin?"

                                   MIKE
            See! I knew you'd be insulted.

                                   JEFF
            I am insulted. How could a movie about a 40 year old virgin
            possibly remind you of me?

                                   MIKE
            Well, you know...

                                   JEFF
            No, I don't know.

                                   MIKE
            I just thought you and the title character have similar
            aspects.

                                   JEFF
            Similar aspects?
                          (pauses, gets it)
            Oh, come on! That is not true!

                                   MIKE
            I didn't say it was. But you have to admit, it's not exactly
            surprising that I'd think like that.

                                   JEFF
            Why?

                                   MIKE
            Well, the way you act. The way you dress. Everything about
            you just screams that you're...

                                   JEFF
            It's not true. Not a chance. Uh-uh. No way. 

                                   MIKE
            I don't know. You're kind of protesting a little too much. 

                                   JEFF
            So now because I deny it, that makes you think it's true?

                                   MIKE
            Kind of, yeah. And even if it were true, I wouldn't care.
            It's not a big deal anymore.

                                   JEFF
            No! No way, absolutely not! Ok, it's true. 

                                   MIKE
            What?

                                   JEFF
            I am what you think I am. I didn't think it was that obvious,
            but I guess I was wrong.

                                   MIKE
            Oh my God, you really are? That's great. I think it's really
            wonderful that you can admit something like that to me. We've
            really come a long way since we started reviewing movies.

                                   JEFF
                          (looking around)
            You won't tell anyone, will you?

                                   MIKE
            Of course not. But I have to ask, why are you telling me?

                                   JEFF
            What can I say? I guess I've just been afraid of it, and
            talking about it can work me through my fear. And I didn't
            want you to think less of me.

                                   MIKE
            Trust me, I couldn't possibly think any less of you.

                                   JEFF
            I think for me, getting older and getting to that place in my
            life is like the beginning of the end of something. Like as
            soon as I do it, my childhood will be gone forever.

                                   MIKE
            But it's worth it though, trust me.

                                   JEFF
            Yeah, that's what I've heard. I just want to do it, move on
            and move forward to the next phase of my life.

                                   MIKE
            Do you have anybody in mind?

                                   JEFF
            Maybe just a few friends. You're welcome to come, if you'd
            like.

                                   MIKE
            Um, that's ok. Things might get a little weird.

                                   JEFF
            I should hope so. After all, you only do it once.

                                   MIKE
            Most people do it more than once.

                                   JEFF
            More than once? How is that even possible?

                                   MIKE
            Just don't drink so much beforehand.

                                   JEFF
            I plan on being drunk the whole time. I don't even want to
            REMEMBER it. 

                                   MIKE
            It won't be that bad. 

                                   JEFF
            How would you even know? You're a little young, aren't you?

                                   MIKE
            Hey, I might have gotten a late start, but I've made up for
            it since then, believe me.

                                   JEFF
            Now I'm really confused.

                                   MIKE
            I have to ask. Other than fear, why haven't you done it yet?

                                   JEFF
            Done what?

                                   MIKE
            You know, had sex?

                                   JEFF
            What?

                                   MIKE
            You said you're a virgin, like in "The 40 Year Old Virgin".

                                   JEFF
            A virgin? HA! I have sex constantly.

                                   MIKE
            Then why did you admit you were?

                                   JEFF
            I didn't! I admitted I was about to turn 40! And seriously,
            don't spread that around. It might hurt my marketability.

                                   MIKE
            So all this time, you were talking about the fear of turning
            40? I seriously thought you were a virgin.

                                   JEFF
            I get laid all the time. I was nailing some chick in the
            bathroom just before we came on stage.

                                   MIKE
            Bullshit! Who was she?

                                   JEFF
            Your mother.

                                   MIKE
            Oh, that's real mature. This coming from someone who's
            turning 40?

                                   MIKE'S MOM
                          (offstage)
            Mike? Is that you?

                                   MIKE
            Mom???

                                   JEFF
            HA!

                                   BLACKOUT